just go fishing.

this is where people start running. and i'm pretty sure this is where alcohol would come in handy. and let me be honest, i've had vivid dreams of smoking the best flavored cigarettes in the world. the feeling they give my unconscious makes me crave the nicotine of sleep, apparently. whatever that means.

the reason why i wanted to run was because nothing in my current state gave me any reason to stay.  came to grips with having been depressed for four years (and STILL in that state) and it got me piss-raving MAD at the lord for how drab his plan was for my life.

all i've got are fleeting emotions that lead me everywhere but to contentment and i've got a lot of questions filed under the tab 'jesus doesn't care otherwise he would've answered a long time ago'. i've got bitterness harbored against the creator of the universe. that should go well....

my mom and i had a conversation about whether or not i should go on meds to get my fried circuits firing again. after all, a person can only take so much before they're just not capable of getting up anymore. i wanted more than medication, though, i wanted answers! i wanted to know where i messed up! i wanted to know when consequences were going to stop knocking at my door. and i wanted to know if he really is who he said he is.

and he said, "i named it 'faith' for a reason." almost like i'm not capable or not SUPPOSED to know everything there is to know about everything. fuck that. i wasn't okay with 'faith'.. i wasn't okay with god saying, "trust me." ISN'T THAT WHAT CHILD MOLESTERS SAY????

letting the lord have it is kind of a slowing feeling. like when you try to run in a dream and your legs for some reason are more comparable to cooked noodles and you can't MOVE. except, instead of running, i'm swinging. fists. (not swings in the park. no frolicking is happening...) i keep throwing a fit and making allll of the points that all the skeptics in the world have ever made. but something about his eyes gave me the feeling that he understood. something about him NOT reprimanding me deflated me.  something about him saying, "i know. i hate it, too," brought tears to my eyes.

and just because most things about this world suck doesn't mean that my god (the one i've freaking devoted my life to how many times and how many years ago) sucks. GOD is the one who had a perfect plan. PEOPLE are the ones who ruined it.  the shit i pull combined with everyone else's is the reason why this world is shitty. every stunt we pull starts a chain reaction and more often than not, the consequences of our actions don't stop after one person cries.

so, yes. go get depressed, if you want. i did and would totally understand if you did the same. but here's one thing: i'm responsible for the answers i can't have because my sin made a separation between me and god--the only guy who i believe has all the answers. YES, i'm a believer and that means i believe i'm going to heaven when i die because i chose JESUS on this earth... but that doesn't mean my actions don't have consequences. and it doesn't mean my life's not gonna suck when i get caught in the chain reaction of OTHER people's missed steps.  but GOD DIDN'T DO THIS. and he's sparing us left and right from the crap we don't even know COULD'VE taken us out. but he's also a just father who lets his kids bare some consequences. NOT because he's MEAN. but because WE started it. and it's our fault. and he's there, WILLING and WANTING, to make beauty from ashes every time we burn this place down.

after jesus was like, "love you, i get it, we're cool," he was like, "take a breather!..just go fishing."

so, i did. and i started to heal...and i started to love and even LIKE god again. plus, i caught a turtle and i love turtles and i showed it to my mom.

k. anyway. that is all.

hello from clinton! and this is the first new blog in like a year. whatever.

HI! this is where i tell you how great it is being married in a new town with a new name and a new life.

if you know anything about me, you'll sense the sarcasm.

NOT LYING, i love being married and i love that the husband is obligated to be my constant best friend for the rest of my life. WOOT.

we both like most of the same things so hanging out isn't too difficult. i'd say we're pretty easy-going people and i very much like having him around.

so, now we're moved to a new city..Clinton... and... i've seen better. BUT REALLY, it's been a mother of a transition. my body decided to come down with every string of sickness it could possibly think of and since a month before we got married until now, i have been on antibiotics non-stop. aka, i have been "woe is me" on the living room couch for basically our entire marriage. ROMANTIC.

and, being a slight workaholic, the fact that i'm unemployed has ALSO been playing into the "woe is me." praise the lord JOE has a job otherwise we'd be sunk.

working/applying myself at SOMETHING to get a paycheck makes me feel worthwhile. having a social group that i can interact with makes me feel worth. having a healthy stance in life where i can worry about the not healthy people makes me feel worth. and, might i add, having some sort of outlet that would allow my husband or EYE to feel somewhat like ourselves...would make me feel worth.

we/i ain't got NONE of that going on so... we're left stoking hope.  we're hoping the lord will bring us all these things we feel we're lacking...because i'm high maintenance because i live in america and want more than just my basic needs taken care of...... spare the lecture. i know.  but still, it's the world i grew up in and if we're not fulfilled in all aspects of our being we're not going to be satisfied.

so. that is all. that is the honest report from clinton. i am happily married and unsatisfied with life. i'm also slightly excited because seeing as how i'm lacking lots, i'm wide open for options. options that could bring a little spice to life in a way that i haven't experienced yet. WOOT for new friends and new funs things to do!  this is going to be a fun ride.

square peg. round hole.

read an article at work in the courier. how i felt reading it reminded me of how i felt when i was employed at the youth shelter.  it went like this:

the article was about kids serving life sentences for first degree murder. the supreme court just ruled that life sentences aren't a mandatory sentence, although, states can still choose to use them as punishment. i thought about kids being in prison all their life--how if they DID get a chance for bail and they did get off, how letting them go might be more cruel than keeping them incarcerated. i mean, if they've spent 20 years in prison starting at age 13, in entering society, again, ya THINK they're going to be maladjusted?! but ya THINK they weren't already maladjusted since they, on purpose, killed someone?!

God (this is where i start talking to jesus), it's not supposed to happen! square peg, round hole. it's not right. this reality doesn't FIT.

and WHY are kids killing people to begin with? what's happened to them/what choices have they made/where were or WEREN'T their parents?!! it's a square peg and a round hole! nothing that's happening should be happening and it's all wrong!

and it's this CONSTANT pounding and grating between what's right and what's actually happening that turn my brain and my heart into one big cement mixer. and it's that rock of RIGHT and rock of REALITY grinding against each other with each beautiful kid that passes through my eyes and into my guts and into my being that starts to create gravel. and that gravel gets finer and finer and toughing it out only works 'so' well. nonetheless, i keep loving the kids (cuz it's the resounding emotion that comes out when i think about them) but pretty soon, tears--haha, why NOT incorporate tears into this metaphor--TEARS gushing from my face, day in and day out, start to create a paste with all that gravel turned powder stuff. and that gravel turned powder stuff and tears mixed together (PASTE) are bent on plastering and hardening themselves over everything in me that once was soft and warm and FREE.

and, in a short while, i'm so hard and so disgustingly broken that you (God) pull the chute and i'm out. (for those of you who don't know, i left the shelter quite unexpectedly...for sound reasons but ones i didn't really see coming until right when they [those reasons] forced me to quit). and maybe all this turmoil i was going through wasn't the reason why you took me out of the shelter...but it's definitely in the pile of possibilities that i mull over every once in a while--when my guts still hurt for those kids--those beautiful kids--who STILL need someone... and ME not being there in the trenches with them feels like...

square peg. round hole.

(and just so everyone knows, the kids at the shelter aren't necessarily bad kids with run ins with the law--some of them are just there because they're in a transition period and others, yeah, are there because they fought the law and..so far, the law is winning..but each one of them is awesome and hilarious and has a heart and have people they love with more passion than anything. they're beautiful people and i miss hanging out with them more than ever. they're great and they make my life great...but it's also hard because your heart breaks and breaks and breaks for them. so much so, you didn't know your heart could break into pieces that small. but it's worth it. and love STILL is the resounding emotion i get when i think about them.)

daydreaming about infertility. no, seriously.

i think you're underestimating the passion that's in me for adoption. i'm researching hysterectomies, folks. i'm REALLY not EVER, AT ALL interested in having biological kids.

why am i talking about this, though? i'm not even dating anyone! answer: because i feel like it. end of story.

the thought has crossed my mind several times, "what guy's gonna want a girl who's not interested in furthering his blood line?" and i've got no answer for that...only to say that any guy who cares so much about furthering his bloodline doesn't have much in common with me.  i think my gene pool is quite fantastic--my family's a ton of fun--but, at the same time, that's a luxury. biological family, i think, is a luxury...one that tons of kids aren't allotted in life.

and for me to adopt isn't to sacrifice that luxury...more like, it's just knowing that some kids need homes and making way for that need to be filled. and it's my personal belief that biological kids would get in the way of those kids, already born, who need family. i mean, really, i'm one person. i can only take care of so many kids. and if i'm gonna take care of kids, i want them to be adopted.

what happens if i get married and in the process of married life, i get knocked up? well, then, bring it on. but i'm never ever going to plan on getting pregnant. guess, if i do, then that kid is really important to jesus for him to go around my plans and give me a kid. so, why wouldn't i want that kid? sounds like a great deal.

but...my plans are my plans for a reason. jesus gave me passion for adoption for a reason. even as a single person i crave infertility. i'm serious. besides, if you want the nitty gritty, it's pretty annoying having a monthly hormonal visitor when i've got NO USE for it during any point in my life. stupid.

if everybody adopted their whole families then pretty soon nobody would be without a home. there's fricking commercials for homeless puppies on the street...who CARES about puppies!? SAVE THE KIDS!

and doing everything in my power to destroy my own fertility tells my future adopted kids that i never wanted ANYBODY in the world but them. EYE. WANTED. THEM. and i planned on them from the very beginning. from before the beginning.  and i wouldn't go through medical procedures (even if i'd find a reputable doctor who'd perform them) JUST so i could tell my kids that...i'd do it first and foremost so that i didn't have to worry about getting pregnant. that way i could adopt all the kids i don't get pregnant with! fantastic!  and, secondly, it just so happens that those procedures also show the kid, in print, that i wanted them more than anything else.  and i wanted them not because i couldn't have my own kids but because they WERE my kids.

and i'm so excited to LOVE 'EM.

so, now i'm quoting stacie orrico? what?

you wanna blog? i'll give you a blog. (nobody actually asked me for a blog.)

I AM PISSED. i think god's plan SUCKS. if this is where i'm at at the end of the day and if where i'm at is where god wants me then at the end of the day i'm saying: god's plan sucks.

i'm my own best psychologist. i've asked all the questions. i've gotten to the root of the problem.  i've traced it back to its very beginnings. and just so you know, no light has gone off.  there've been no 'ahaaa' moments. because the answer is: DUH.

i broke up
i went to an unbearable college
i went to a different college
i had an unbearable major
i had a crappy summer
i had a job at the shelter
atomic bomb detonated inside myself
and nothing's gotten better since.
four years down and i haven't felt consistently happy for four years. i haven't felt like MYSELF in four years.

fantastic.

so, i've asked myself all the hard to ask questions. i've been vulnerable. i've cried my eyes shut. i've toughed it out and i've been proactive. i've read my bible. i've memorized. i've prayed. and it's all led me HERE. this crappy place that feels like crap and i'm now a cynical, in your face JERK without a filter.

if people have ropes, i'm at the end of mine. and guess what's at the end? not a grand miraculous intervention from the lord--though, that'd be nice. no, more like a trip to the doctor's office, crying your eyes out two seconds after he checked your reflexes.

this is the intervention from the lord i get: medication because i "just can't cope with life."

if THAT'S god's plan then god's plan SUCKS.

in the words of stacie orrico: there's gotta be more to life.

no, my life's not boring. but thanks. how's your day?

nooooooooo, i don't drink. noooooooo, i don't have sex. nooooooooooo, my life's not boring.

but thanks for generalizing me into some huge genre where we're all the same and i'm a pussy if i'm NOT (the same).

i'm IRRITATED that every FIVE SECONDS i have to choose whether or not to halt all normal conversation JUST SO everyone in the circle knows that i don't agree with what's being said.

i'm ANNOYED that people think that beer and sex is all there is to life.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT, i say anybody that thinks that and makes fun of me for NOT thinking that actually has a very different version of life that they go by. SO GO BY IT. do whatever you want! you might be fine, relatively speaking, and you might not be and it might all depend on the day but ALL IN ALL, WE'RE DIFFERENT PEOPLE.

your fun is probably not my fun. you probably think i'm a goody good on a pedestal. i probably think you're insecure and if you were really confident in your life decisions THEN YOU WOULDN'T BE TALKING SO MUCH SMACK. if you were REALLY confident in your decisions then you wouldn't CARE what i thought and you wouldn't FEEL like i'm JUDGING you even though we really don't even know each others' NAMES.  you go make your decisions and GET SOME PEOPLE SKILLS because if you're gonna be the way you are then you better get comfortable.

not that i think you should be comfortable. for those of you uncomfortable you should probably not ignore that and do something about it. i recommend, seriously and genuinely, that you talk to jesus. and read a bible. i like the english standard version in case you're wondering. chasing religion is and forever will be a waste of your time. get the real deal from the beginning. jesus. yes. k. we're done.

and while i'm at it, i'm honestly gonna say that if you're comfortable now making the choices you're making and those choices mainly include sex and alcohol, i'd bet some day you're NOT gonna be comfortable. and then i'd refer you to the paragraph just before this one.

BUT CAN WE ALL JUST BE CIVIL?

for crying out loud.

if you decide not to be civil then you owe me one because it ain't gon be fun putting up with you until you decide otherwise.

but then...i owe jesus like infinite amounts so, you and me, we're straight. BUT JUST SO YOU KNOW, i have to pray to get along with you.

for some reason i get satisfaction from saying that. i hope i don't have a breach of conscience and have to take that down because i LIKE that satisfied feeling i've got right now.....

we'll go with it.

or else your life will suck worse.

i've got more blessing flowing through my life than i can keep track of. though, it makes me happy when i do. and i've also got a lot of crap circulating which, more often than not, overshadows the good going on. i've got choices to make every day: do i not stir things up and hang out in situations that aren't good for me?  or do i stir things up and get out of situations that aren't good for me, in which case, i've lost a place to hang out.  i come up empty at the end of most days and making smart decisions pisses me off.  smart choices doesn't always mean seclusion but some days it does.  i look inside myself on those days and see if i can find any character building in process...but pretty much all i see is nothing. except the blaring feeling that, in this too, i've gotta have faith.  which pisses me off but still leaves me feeling comforted in a non-obvious or sometimes obvious way when i fall asleep at night.

wisdom that transcends every aspect of your life comes from the lord.  not that people who don't love jesus are dumb... but i've got a pretty obvious 'red light, green light' system in place inside me because of jesus/holy spirit. CONVENIENT. but it's also rare to find my head and heart in the same place at the same time. choices have to be made based solely off those stop and/or go signals the holy spirit gives off and i can't wait for my innards to agree with each other.  which can leave me dragging my feet when something's changed in my life because of a decision i MADE not because of a decision that i FELT. but somehow there's a resounding something inside me that approves.  and the lord's got all the therapy i need in order to get back up to speed. because, seriously. i could use some counseling. that'd be fantastic.

and people are coming out of the woodwork to help.  jesus never leaves his kids abandoned. good thing. he's faithful to his kids even when they're big bratty jerks.  and for some reason i think he's especially faithful when his folks are faithful to him.  whatever that looks like.  SO, DON'T BE DUMB AND MAKE GOOD CHOICES. or else your life will suck worse than it does now.

the end.

matt theissen. oh, matt theissen.

this song pops into my head for the first time in seven years today as i'm driving to work. AS IT TURNS OUT, it's pretty relevant to life today.  how fantastic. oh, matt theissen.  there IS benefit to memorizing tunes on repeat ALL DAY, ERY DAY when you're thirteen. lyrics come back right when you like them to. how fantastic.

unfortunately unnecessarily unintelligent.

riding two horses with one ass is not something the rowdiest rodeo stars attempt...so, why not pick a side in life? the lines get blurred sometimes and nobody's perfect but can't we just be resigned to a default that always brings us back home?  and can't we do everything in our current power to lessen the blurriness in our lives?  wouldn't life be easier if we were faithful to the loyalties we've got in life?  would more consistency make us as boring as people say?  

i'm hearing people say things about you that aren't good.  hearing what i heard about you might break your heart. but knowing that if what i heard didn't break your heart then it'd break MY heart. because then you're in trouble and you don't care that you're in trouble.  that makes double trouble.

what's unfortunate is unnecessary unintelligence: you don't have to be dumb but you're choosing to be.  you may not see the flames yet but smoke is rising in your life and sooner or later you're going to be one. hot. mess.

and i'm watching the guns pointing at me as i'm pointing at you. i'm concerned with my own life and i'm trying.  wholeheartedly following jesus is a very. very. very gradual process. and there might always be movement in that process but that doesn't imply forward motion, necessarily.  however. i've got grounds to stand on that say what you're doing is wrong.  and so unnecessary.

"it is my eager expectation and hope that i will not be at all ashamed, but that with full courage now as always Christ will be honored in my body, whether by life or by death."
-philippians 1:20

and iiiiiiii will hold on hope.

Is there some quick fix to this that I’m not seeing? Usually my problems don’t last this long. My fuse is long and once it’s lit, I’m normally reasonable about throwing a bucket of water on it. Normally, I have a few conversations with some good people and I’m good again. Usually, my problems are normal things that I go through like a repeat offender. Dealing with these issues is a one day thing and after that I’m on my way to a better tomorrow. 

The world sucks and everybody knows it. Everybody’s felt it in a dad or mom gone south or a non existent bank account or presence of bad or lack of good relationships.  Whatever it is, we all deal with it and we get by.  We hang on hope, play some Mumford and eat a Scratch cupcake. And I’m here to vouch that cupcakes and music as coping mechanisms are not superficial.  Jesus is involved in the hope, in the Mumford, and most definitely in the cupcake. Those things are heavenly.  

But what happens when hope is out of stock, Mumford’s new album never comes out, and Scratch is always out of your favorite flavor? What happens when you feel royally screwed without any confidence that things are going to get better.  Or easier. What then?  Do we ever talk about sessions with shrinks that don’t make you feel better?  Or Bible verses that don’t speak to the hurt in your life?  Or journal entries, once a coping mechanism, that don’t speak to what you’re really feeling?  Trying to put into words what you’re feeling makes you feel dumb because half the time you can’t define what you’re feeling in the first place. And in the second place, you feel like this horse is dead and gone, and even though it ain’t gettin any deader you can’t keep from kicking it within an inch of its non-existent life. Again.

The thing about sin is that is disrupts the proper order of functioning in this world.  Sin leaves people helpless without hope or solutions to anything.  And not that I’m some cop, self-employed, trying to keep bad things from ever happening again. I mean, not that that’d be unwelcomed if it were possible.  But come on, what am I supposed to do.  There are people in my life with problems bigger and stretching further than all the mountain ranges in this world combined. Damage has been done long before I met them.  Damage is being done to them and I watch it happening and I have no control over the situation.  “I’m sorry that happened to you.  That person was wrong to do that,” and an arm around their young shoulder.  They walk away from me saying, “It ain’t your fault.”  

I’m helpless.  Don’t for a second think I haven’t considered praying for them.  Don’t think I haven’t given light to the belief that our prayers rend the heavens, that they move the heart of God.  I’m sure they do.  Really.  But looking at the heart that’s so hurt standing in front of you and saying to them, “I’ll be praying for you,” waving goodbye to them as they get shipped off to the next less than ideal, non-permanent home------doing that takes everything in me that once made sense and shreds it.  It takes everything in me that once could cope and makes me the weakest, most incapable, hot MESS I’ve seen.  

I’ve never been here before and I’m finding my tried and true techniques for dealing aren’t working.  And I’m willing to try new things.  I’m okay with being honest and crying in front of people I barely know.  I don’t even care.  Ask me if I care.  And I can’t even ask “How long, God?!” because I know it’s just going to get worse.  Honestly, it is.  So, what do I do, how do I cope, how do I help, how do I have joy in the midst of this, how do I trust that my God is GOOD?  

Short answer: I don’t know yet.  Until then, it’s okay to feel whatever you feel.  Just keep showing up, whatever that looks like in life.  Just keep showing up.  Even if you’re not sure if what you’re doing looks like faithfulness to God, keep being honest.  Keep being open to change and be intentional about getting up, doing what you’re supposed to do, staying healthy and active.  

I guess the rest will just fall into place.            

why i IS the way i IS: a short story.

i've given up on living life void of drama. life IS drama. NEGATIVE drama. and the less time i spend criticizing it and hating it, the more time i can spend kicking its butt.

i've been working with teenagers lately (crazy thinking i was their age less than a decade ago...i'm still pretty wet behind the ears...) and i've been experiencing a little bit of what their lives are like.  their lives are everything: every emotion in the book complete with reasons for each one of them.

my goodness gracious. 

i've been disappointed with the lack of joy i've been feeling in the midst of all these lives and their drama within. i thought joy was going to be automatic because...i don't know why...maybe i thought i was just that awesome and could swing my mighty sword at satan's face with all courage and all strength...

well, i'm not very courageous and i'm quite the weakling, come to find out. i think anytime i was UNaware of that, i must've been on an ego trip...or something. and i haven't seen anything close to everything. i know i'm currently seeing a fraction of a fraction of what's out there...but still.. sometimes my gut just hurts a lot and i need nothing more than an abundance of movies with roommates and hot baths (sometimes i eat my cereal while in the bathtub). like i said: weakling. 

but i don't even care. i don't care if every person in the world is boss at my job and i'm not. I'M A WUSS AND PROUD OF IT. a wuss that's learning. 

sometimes i feel drained and sometimes i feel like someone opened the floodgates of my face. all are welcomed. but the reason why i'm writing this is because there were ALL SORTS of good and bad that happened today...and i might have to go cry at some point but overall, i left that place with JOY in my heart. not a lot, but a little bit. 

my god's a good god and even when i'm drawing blanks and feeling like i suck, while that may be true, god's bigger. and the holy spirit isn't restricted by my crappiness. his power is ACT-UALLY made perfect in my weakness. one of the corinthians, chapter twelve, verse nine. BOOM. god's boss at my job and i'm on his team. SCORE. 

for that reason alone, i've got a hope.

peacocks, blow up fish, & self-analyzing therapy.

if i had been old enough when my sisters hid mom's "manners" book, i would've helped the war effort and hid it behind the toilet right along with them.  i'm not about living life snobby.  life's too short to be proving pointless points--something about how you're, deep down, better than everybody else. that's not what i call living.

but all that said....i haven't been very classy lately.  i've been overly crude (poop jokes are NOT considered at all crude...just so you know) and really just not very nice. it'd be a waste of time to say that "oh, lord, i just don't know who i am right now!" because i know exactly who i am. and what's been coming OUT of me is exactly who i really am (that wasn't a poop joke).  maybe who i've been being isn't who i normally am on the OUTside...but all that's been happening is that more of the real, gross, un-jesus-ed parts of me are coming out in real time.  i'm trying to prove that i'm REAL and RELEVANT and a BAD ASS that REALLY KNOWS WHAT'S GOING ON IN THIS WORLD.  and i'd say i am real and i am relevant (whatever that even means...i hate that word) and i do enjoy bucking the system ESPECIALLY when it's for a good cause... 

but here's what's really going on (i think): 

1) i'm insecure

2) i don't know how to stop the the REALLY BAD THINGS that go down everyday 

3) i want to stay as far away as possible from mindless, heartless christianity (sometimes NOT being that that comes naturally but other times when i feel like i look exactly like all my other "christian" friends i start to lash out...probably just to get away from the gross camaraderie feeling you get when you're JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. barf. but in that frantic "EW, GET AWAY" feeling i feel sometimes, i do stupid things that i don't wanna do and i say stuff that i really didn't feel the need to say.)

4) i use pride as an illusion. i try to look bold and sure and cool (partly because who doesn't want to be bold and sure and cool?)....but sometimes, lots of times, i do it because i don't care to have people actually seeing how crazy confused i am and how really lost i feel.  

because there's only so long you can stand feeling insanely confused and grossly lost before you find means of coping...and for some reason the jesus route seems to take too long...so, i go back to number four and fluff myself up like i'm a struttin peacock that just don't care. 

what? 

OR a blowfish that blows himself up so that he doesn't get eaten by big bad predators. (but if you'd pop him you'd find out he's just a little guy. a little guy underwater, scared to death.)  

this is me. 

...fantastic.........

refusing to remember: a happy tale.

i know i'm not old. wrinkled, cracked faced people talk with their worn cords saying they remember "it" like it was yesterday.

i'm aware that i'm unaware. most likely sooner and later life is going to kick me in the crotch (even though i don't have those parts, it's not like it still wouldn't hurt) but 'no worries'. a motto and goal all in one. all fueled by god's big heart.

i know i'm not old...that wet spot behind my ears isn't dry yet. honestly, i'm banking on it never drying. i always wanna be the 'hide in friend's basement eating forbidden fruit snacks while waiting for "ready or not, here i come!"' type.

that's something i never plan on remembering, cracked and wrinkled, "like it was yesterday." because in my life i'd prefer it to actually have happened the day before today. 

praise the lord for life.

emmaus bible college.

there aren't many times in life when i'm consciously aware of how thankful i am for where i'm at and where god's had me in the past.

i gripe and gag over some things that've gone down in the past few years.. it's honestly a little difficult to remember life before college.. seems like college took on a life of its own.. most everything that could've changed did change and its been hard for me to keep up.

i complain a lot, relatively speaking. as good as god's been, you'd think i'd have shut my mouth a long time ago. but tonight i feel thankful.

bible college a couple years back was hell. i hated it and have since not said many positive things about it.  always leaving room for the "oh, but it might be good for YOU if you want to try it out. it just wasn't good for ME" comment. but dangit, throughout that crappy year god was really close. i was a weeping, whacked out mess but jesus took care of me each and every second. i remember waking up every morning with a brain full of dread, but everyday he gave me grace to keep going. even though teachers got pissed at me for doing my homework in class. the brunt of my time spent OUTside of class was filled with constructive intentions but tired eyes that won EVERY time.

that year was such a blessing. that place became a hellish haven for me. inside it, i felt pretty miserable...but i can tell that i was so protected, too. it didn't matter who i came up against, i could cry in front of anyone and they'd quote scripture to me. it didn't matter whose door i knocked on, SOMEbody asked me how i was REALLY doing. and it didn't matter which professor i couldn't stand listening to...every one of them prayed over me and my class at the start and finish of each period. prayers that helped put meat on my bones when i felt spiritually and emotionally anorexic.

and even if i was a little outspoken and incredibly internally rebellious (and occasionally outwardly rebellious)...and even if i couldn't TAKE IT ANYMORE every second i was there...god gave grace for that. he dumped it on me...and he's still dumping it on me.

good stuff. good god.
that's all.

I'M COMING OUT about what should really be coming out.

the other day in my sex class there was a panel of LGTBs. for those of you not caught up on the modern day of reality, LGBT refers to the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transexual.. or transgender. both.

one girl on the panel shared her story of coming out. she said that from the day she drew breath she was one of the guys.  she was always the tomboy. (mind you, your stereotypes aren't working because this girl's not butch. she's cute and dressed girly and has pretty long hair.)  she's outdoorsy and loves all-terrain vehicles. any time she played with barbies when she was little she was terrorizing their plastic beauty, running them through the dirt and cutting their hair... she preferred gi joes.

she said from the beginning she knew she was different. fundamentally different then the rest of the girls. now, she's open about the fact that she's living the lesbian lifestyle and she's proud of it...in a non-offensive way. she seems cool. really.

but here's the deal. how she described herself held an uncanny resemblance to who i was when i was little and who i am now. and she's claiming she's a lesbian.

so, what's that make me?

here's the deal: i believe everyone on the planet has homosexual thoughts. ...but we don't talk about it. personally, i think that a lot of people thinking these homosexual thoughts are probably freaked out by the reality that they're thinking these things. maybe a girl's weirded out when her heart beats a little harder when a vicky's commercial comes up. maybe a jock's creeped by himself and the fact that he notices the physique of his locker room buddies. his friends would think he's a fag if they knew.

here's MY story. i grew up with four-wheelers and plenty of acres of timber and trails. mhmm. clean, brisk air mixed with exhaust gets my heart beating with excitement.  i wanna go fast.  i grew up in a high school full of girls who were cool, no doubt, but they never struck me as the outdoorsy type.  we connected on certain levels but only a few girl friends really understood me.  the guys in my school were usually outdoorsy farm boys. MY TYPE (largely).  but here's the deal: these dudes didn't like me. if they DID like me, they didn't love jesus (which created problems). if they invited me to hang out with them, my parents wouldn't let me go.  i was not allowed to hang out with boys one on one in high school. i was not allowed to hang out with a group of guys unless other girls were there, too.  problem: when the guys invited me to go four-wheeling i couldn't go because other GIRLS didn't wanna go or couldn't go because they'd break something. possibly themselves. anyway.. massive frustration because that meant that iiii couldn't go. parents wouldn't let me. you get it.

k. so, anyway, by the end of this story maybe you can gather that i didn't feel like i fit anywhere and i didn't feel like i connected with anyone. the thought crossed my mind "well, what's wrong with me?" then i won homecoming queen. i think people were okay with who i was. and, honestly, i was okay with who i was...but, let's rewind a little bit.  i didn't like any boys in high school ('cept that one time with that dude who could beat me on a four-wheeler. supposedly) and guys never liked me to the point of really asking me out. there'd be rumors of "oh, he likes you!" but the jerk never told ME therefore, NO. he didn't like me in any significant amount. the end. that's my logic.  but here's what i wondered folks, here was my train of thought:

i like doing boy things. i like hanging out with the guys a hundred times more (if i was allowed to). the girls and i don't connect on a FUN level and i have absolutely zero emotional connection to any of the males walking around me on a daily basis. zero. and it's been ten years--if something were gonna happen you'd think it'd have happened by now.  um...am i gay?

other thoughts crept into my mind and i wondered further if my thoughts were professing some homosexual reality that i hadn't accepted yet.  then, something happened. my mom mentioned randomly in a conversation that was headed no particular direction, she said, "my word, who HASN'T had homosexual thoughts every now and then?"  i remember this sigh of relief washed over me.  my mom's been married over thirty years and she and my dad love each other tons.  she was a walking, talking STRAIGHT person admitting to having homosexual thoughts throughout her lifetime.

i felt relieved when she'd said this because it was like my deep and dark thoughts weren't so unheard of. they were normal! i read my bible and i know what the lord says about homosexuality and i really believe that homosexuality or any sexual orientation outside of heterosexuality is wrong.  i do.  but on the off-chance you're narrow minded and are currently accusing ME of being narrow minded, then please refrain.  because here's the deal: hating on anyone for anything (their race, their sexual orientation, their lifestyle choices) is wrong.  i believe that full force.

i believe that the LGBT lifestyle is a sin.  i believe hating on folks living the LGBT lifestyle is a sin.  therefore, i'm not narrow minded because i won't bash you for your beliefs. so, don't bash ME for my beliefs otherwise i'll call YOU narrow minded.  eat it.

but here's my bit:  i'm saying that homosexual/bisexual thoughts don't make you homosexual/bisexual.  i wonder if there are LGBT people out there who wouldn't be so if they'd known it's possible to be heterosexual and experience thoughts that stepped over the bounds of heterosexuality.  i'm sure not all LGBT people's experiences have been like that, but i still wonder if there have been some.

i believe satan's main scare tactic is to corner you and to isolate you. to make you feel like you're the only one on the planet thinking and feeling what you're currently thinking and feeling.  satan tried it one me.  i thought homosexual thoughts and something crept over me and suddenly i was worried that i was a lesbian.  god used my mom in my life to shed light on the darkness satan was trying to throw over me when she said "my word. who HASN'T had homosexual thoughts every now and then?"  i think i was fourteen when this happened.  the age when many LGBTs decide whether or not they believe they are LGBT or straight.  in the name of jesus, i declare that satan is a douche bag.

satan tried taking me down that road. and HONESTLY, there are still days in my life that homosexual thoughts cross my mind.  bisexual thoughts CROSS. MY. MIND.  and then i pray in the name of jesus that they would be taken away and that truth would fill up the space satan's lies are trying to take.

i am a heterosexual girl excited about GETTING IT ON with my husband someday.  this isn't something that's been a natural thought that's gone completely undebated in my life.  but by the grace of god, it's a fact set in stone because i've got the holy spirit living inside of me calling out the bluffs of satan.  in this case the bluff of satan sounds like this, "micah, just admit it, you change the channel when victoria's secret commercials come on for guys' purity but also for your OWN purity. a straight girl wouldn't have to do that."  holy spirit chimes in and says, "BULL. in jesus' name, satan, GET. OUT."

that's how it goes.  and let me be clear: i'm a heterosexual girl excited about GETTING IT ON with my husband someday.  i'm not in denial.  and my stating that does not imply that i really am in denial.  i'm very open about my experiences and i want y'all to know it because life's too short for taboo topics.

i like boys.  i like them a lot.  i want to marry one someday.  i have thought before about girls.  there was some temptation there.  but god was faithful--he sent his holy spirit to correct the lies that i was thinking about believing and i obeyed him.  and life is good.

life is real good. seriously.

My Family Doesn't Know (that they're being recorded)

i am NOT that kinda girl!

NO. i do not plan my life.
NO. i do not daydream about my future man.
NO. i have no desire to EVER have a white picket fence in my possession.
NO. i don't get excited to be pregnant and have sweet bouncing babies all over the fricken place.

i'm just not that girl. girls that are that girl are cool. but i'm not them. anyway..

you know the tin man off the wizard of oz? dorothy comes along and he's in miserable shape. he's all rusty and crap's stuck inside his joints and he's frozen in an awkward position. dorothy eventually grabs the oil can and greases him up and he slowly limbers up...what i'm going for here is the sound effect of the tin man's rusty joints being brought back into commission.

visual aid: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=louBM-Mix7s

that sound effect is how i've been feeling this week. started off solid and frozen and miserable. then, it's kinda felt like some of my rusty spots have been getting oiled by jesus...one joint at a time.

so, basically, it's been a long week. but NOW on friday, i feel lots better. and here's what god's been putting in my head. and i'm way excited about it.

k. here's what i wanna do in life. here's what i feel like GOD might wanna do with my life. how cool if he did. and if he decides otherwise, then i'm expecting something that, in my opinion, would be better suited for me. anyway. here we go:

i DO wanna work in the foster care system or in/around adoption agencies/orphanages.
i DO wanna work with "the least of these" (whoever they are and whatever they look like).
i DO wanna get married.
i DO wanna adopt kids and NEVER have my own. EVER. EVER. (this will be addressed prior dating my future husband. if he's not on board 100% then we AIN'T gettin hitched). so much so that i wanna get my tubes tied so that i can't have my own kids. and i never wanna be a surrogate mother because i think everyone should just adopt, anyway.
i DO wanna fight mortal combat the enemy and what he's trying to bring about in the United States. i used to wanna go overseas but the more i learn about the US the more i gotta weight in my gut that's telling me there's lots of hurt that needs helping here.
i DO wanna get married in a court house. i don't wanna spend money on things i don't care about. aka weddings. but, please, feel free to send gifts regardless. :)
i DO wanna dump my heart and energy into raising kids that we adopt and i REFUSE to let anyone else raise our kids. praying god will provide a way for me to be a stay at home mom. i won't agree to having kids if i can't be the one to raise them.
i DO wanna do whatever god wants and i WON'T be content with a mundane life. i don't need it to be hip and happenin all the time, but god's NEVER NOT passionate about stuff that's on his heart...so, i plan on him giving me the grace to keep a fire stoked in my gut about the things he cares about. cuz i wanna care about them, too.
and i DO plan on riding really big roller coasters every chance i get.
and it WOULD be awesome if my husband had a passion for stealing children out of brothels. i will drive the escape car. that'd be sweet. i heard somewhere that 90% of prostitutes at one time were in the foster care system.
WHICH brings us full circle. i wanna adopt. THE. END.

stoked.

procrastination with purpose.

is it stupid to write a blog about things that DO matter as a means of procrastinating studying for a test which ALSO really matters? um. yes. so, i'll keep this short.  click the link below to find out what i'm talking about.. goodness, it's stuff like this that makes me REALLY EXCITED to get out of college and maybe work for organizations like this. who knows. i mean, really. but this link strikes a chord in me and even if it doesn't strike anything in you, feel obligated to care anyway. pretty sure jesus cares. prrretty sure that was a guilt trip. sorry. k. but yeah. check it out. spread the word. do it. :)

Action Plan for Stopping Sex Exploitation (legit)

i keep a list inside a bucket.

learn how to ride a unicycle
run a marathon
learn how to play piano
own a pot belly pig
adopt kids (one of every color)
eat prepared fish (fish that are prepared for what? my consumption. my ATTEMPTED consumption)
cut my hair perrrty short
own and master a longboard
become accomplished at funny video-making
record music
write the music that i'll record (for what purpose? i'm not sure yet)
legit hike in the mountains
play the guitar well
scuba dive
hang glide
parasail
get launched off a giant blow up thing floating in a pond
swim in an ocean
ride crazy good roller coasters
become a wake boarder with real skill. mhmm.
own a wake board
go on a tandem bike ride in a foreign country

peeing makes sense.

so, here's the deal. this is why i'm hopeless.

firstly, i feel like my brain is something that needs somewhat of an introduction. my brain has been genetically formed, half, by mom and the other half by dad. dad=smart, logical, handy, fun.  mom=smart, handy, crazy fun, spontaneous.

this means, mathematically speaking, that my brain is logical depending on whether or not logical is fun. i'll be responsible when need be but i am by no means a kill joy. i'll jump on bandwagons (as long as they're not headed morally south) and i'll enjoy myself. for instance, i'll accept an invitation from a sleepy roommate to go get chocolate shakes at two in the morning. she suggests we wear side pony-tails. why? who cares. we just do it. and then my friend wants to get something pierced. have i always wanted extra holes in my face? i don't know, i guess i'm not opposed to it. so, where should the piercest put his needle for twenty bucks? ah, who cares, how bout my nose. boom. and why not, right?

then, my parents are both handy so, yes, i'll demand i don't need help changing my car's oil and i'll try my hand as make-up artist on a roommate that couldn't care less but HAS to care less because she's invited to a dance. fun stuff.

and my mom's spontaneous. and i'm a people person. so, i spontaneously book times to hang out with people. so much so sometimes, that i end up at the end of my day and i think to myself..."uh. self? you haven't read your bible yet." and then i decide that, WOW, my priorities suck and i'm incredibly unaccomplished in this life business. also a question to ponder is, HEY, am i busy for god or am i busy for ME? my answer=maybe both.

but i'm sinking, folks. i've got so much on my plate (relatively speaking) that i don't know where to start out every day. i know i've gotta list a mile long but, in that, i get so overwhelmed that i'd rather just sit on my couch and stare at a wall...trying to forget that i've everything to do... and trying to forget that i wouldn't have all this to do if i weren't so spontaneously irresponsible.

next step: call mom and ask her why i'm having so much difficulty growing up. she explains that i'm half her. she's a people person. she likes to be involved in people's lives. and she's constantly gotta reorder and rearrange and reTHINK how she plans her days because she--like me--can easily book herself into a scheduling corner in which she/we/ME barely have time to pee.

and, people, i NEED to pee in a day's time. just sayin.

so, i decide to buy a jumbo calendar and map out my time, down to the minute. and then i tell mom, "who am i kidding. i'll just use it for a week and then i'll drop it." i decide to focus in on fewer people but then i think, "who am i kidding. i'll get bored doing whatever it is i'll be doing by NOT hanging out with people and i'll schedule some hang out of sorts. and BAM. i'm extrovert-gone-crazy-for-the-sake-of-what?-again?"

mom laughs at me.

i say, "i'm hopeless. why even try."

crap. i can't handle this. but i cancel plans and work says "hey, we don't need ya today!" and i'll have all this free time to do ________ with. and then, i stare at that blank because, nope...um...can't figure out what to do. i told mom that if i have a couple hours to myself then i wouldn't know what to do with myself.

"MICAH. RELAX," you might say. i'll have you know that i am the QUEEN of relaxing. when i relax. when i can relax. when i can let go and not care and take a break. but...honestly...i'm incapable at this point and time.

i'm hopeless. sugar, we're goin down. SUCK! i don't wanna go down! intervention...hellooo....jesus, i need HELP.