you wanna blog? i'll give you a blog. (nobody actually asked me for a blog.)
I AM PISSED. i think god's plan SUCKS. if this is where i'm at at the end of the day and if where i'm at is where god wants me then at the end of the day i'm saying: god's plan sucks.
i'm my own best psychologist. i've asked all the questions. i've gotten to the root of the problem. i've traced it back to its very beginnings. and just so you know, no light has gone off. there've been no 'ahaaa' moments. because the answer is: DUH.
i broke up
i went to an unbearable college
i went to a different college
i had an unbearable major
i had a crappy summer
i had a job at the shelter
atomic bomb detonated inside myself
and nothing's gotten better since.
four years down and i haven't felt consistently happy for four years. i haven't felt like MYSELF in four years.
fantastic.
so, i've asked myself all the hard to ask questions. i've been vulnerable. i've cried my eyes shut. i've toughed it out and i've been proactive. i've read my bible. i've memorized. i've prayed. and it's all led me HERE. this crappy place that feels like crap and i'm now a cynical, in your face JERK without a filter.
if people have ropes, i'm at the end of mine. and guess what's at the end? not a grand miraculous intervention from the lord--though, that'd be nice. no, more like a trip to the doctor's office, crying your eyes out two seconds after he checked your reflexes.
this is the intervention from the lord i get: medication because i "just can't cope with life."
if THAT'S god's plan then god's plan SUCKS.
in the words of stacie orrico: there's gotta be more to life.
yep. it does suck. and yep, we don't get it. i am not in a a place where i can easily say "Nah, he's got a great plan in store for you and me"
ReplyDeleteI'm at a place where it's, "okay Lord, i don't get what you are doing, and i don't like it. one stinking bit." It feels like all i have right now is trust. it's 'i'm not going to give up on His plan, just because it's not my plan.'
i wish i had magic words to make everything better. I wish i could make God swoop in and reveal everything to you.
I don't tho, and i can't.
The only thing i can do is tell you i am praying for you and care about you, and i'm right there with you in the "what the crap is the Lord doing with all this crap?" phase.
God's plan may seem to suck, but it's not because of God. It's because the nasty, creepy, awful devil is trying to inch his way between you and God. How dare he! He sees you passionately pursuing the Source of Love and Life, and he doesn't like that at all. 'Cause he's jealous.
ReplyDeleteContinue to pursue God, He does have a plan, there IS more, and when you look back on your life someday you will understand. God's plan is glorious and beyond our imaginations. I know I don't see the glorious side right now either, but I trust in God. I mean, He created us, so He must know something about our lives, huh? :)
Love you.