peacocks, blow up fish, & self-analyzing therapy.

if i had been old enough when my sisters hid mom's "manners" book, i would've helped the war effort and hid it behind the toilet right along with them.  i'm not about living life snobby.  life's too short to be proving pointless points--something about how you're, deep down, better than everybody else. that's not what i call living.

but all that said....i haven't been very classy lately.  i've been overly crude (poop jokes are NOT considered at all crude...just so you know) and really just not very nice. it'd be a waste of time to say that "oh, lord, i just don't know who i am right now!" because i know exactly who i am. and what's been coming OUT of me is exactly who i really am (that wasn't a poop joke).  maybe who i've been being isn't who i normally am on the OUTside...but all that's been happening is that more of the real, gross, un-jesus-ed parts of me are coming out in real time.  i'm trying to prove that i'm REAL and RELEVANT and a BAD ASS that REALLY KNOWS WHAT'S GOING ON IN THIS WORLD.  and i'd say i am real and i am relevant (whatever that even means...i hate that word) and i do enjoy bucking the system ESPECIALLY when it's for a good cause... 

but here's what's really going on (i think): 

1) i'm insecure

2) i don't know how to stop the the REALLY BAD THINGS that go down everyday 

3) i want to stay as far away as possible from mindless, heartless christianity (sometimes NOT being that that comes naturally but other times when i feel like i look exactly like all my other "christian" friends i start to lash out...probably just to get away from the gross camaraderie feeling you get when you're JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. barf. but in that frantic "EW, GET AWAY" feeling i feel sometimes, i do stupid things that i don't wanna do and i say stuff that i really didn't feel the need to say.)

4) i use pride as an illusion. i try to look bold and sure and cool (partly because who doesn't want to be bold and sure and cool?)....but sometimes, lots of times, i do it because i don't care to have people actually seeing how crazy confused i am and how really lost i feel.  

because there's only so long you can stand feeling insanely confused and grossly lost before you find means of coping...and for some reason the jesus route seems to take too long...so, i go back to number four and fluff myself up like i'm a struttin peacock that just don't care. 

what? 

OR a blowfish that blows himself up so that he doesn't get eaten by big bad predators. (but if you'd pop him you'd find out he's just a little guy. a little guy underwater, scared to death.)  

this is me. 

...fantastic.........