I'M COMING OUT about what should really be coming out.

the other day in my sex class there was a panel of LGTBs. for those of you not caught up on the modern day of reality, LGBT refers to the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transexual.. or transgender. both.

one girl on the panel shared her story of coming out. she said that from the day she drew breath she was one of the guys.  she was always the tomboy. (mind you, your stereotypes aren't working because this girl's not butch. she's cute and dressed girly and has pretty long hair.)  she's outdoorsy and loves all-terrain vehicles. any time she played with barbies when she was little she was terrorizing their plastic beauty, running them through the dirt and cutting their hair... she preferred gi joes.

she said from the beginning she knew she was different. fundamentally different then the rest of the girls. now, she's open about the fact that she's living the lesbian lifestyle and she's proud of it...in a non-offensive way. she seems cool. really.

but here's the deal. how she described herself held an uncanny resemblance to who i was when i was little and who i am now. and she's claiming she's a lesbian.

so, what's that make me?

here's the deal: i believe everyone on the planet has homosexual thoughts. ...but we don't talk about it. personally, i think that a lot of people thinking these homosexual thoughts are probably freaked out by the reality that they're thinking these things. maybe a girl's weirded out when her heart beats a little harder when a vicky's commercial comes up. maybe a jock's creeped by himself and the fact that he notices the physique of his locker room buddies. his friends would think he's a fag if they knew.

here's MY story. i grew up with four-wheelers and plenty of acres of timber and trails. mhmm. clean, brisk air mixed with exhaust gets my heart beating with excitement.  i wanna go fast.  i grew up in a high school full of girls who were cool, no doubt, but they never struck me as the outdoorsy type.  we connected on certain levels but only a few girl friends really understood me.  the guys in my school were usually outdoorsy farm boys. MY TYPE (largely).  but here's the deal: these dudes didn't like me. if they DID like me, they didn't love jesus (which created problems). if they invited me to hang out with them, my parents wouldn't let me go.  i was not allowed to hang out with boys one on one in high school. i was not allowed to hang out with a group of guys unless other girls were there, too.  problem: when the guys invited me to go four-wheeling i couldn't go because other GIRLS didn't wanna go or couldn't go because they'd break something. possibly themselves. anyway.. massive frustration because that meant that iiii couldn't go. parents wouldn't let me. you get it.

k. so, anyway, by the end of this story maybe you can gather that i didn't feel like i fit anywhere and i didn't feel like i connected with anyone. the thought crossed my mind "well, what's wrong with me?" then i won homecoming queen. i think people were okay with who i was. and, honestly, i was okay with who i was...but, let's rewind a little bit.  i didn't like any boys in high school ('cept that one time with that dude who could beat me on a four-wheeler. supposedly) and guys never liked me to the point of really asking me out. there'd be rumors of "oh, he likes you!" but the jerk never told ME therefore, NO. he didn't like me in any significant amount. the end. that's my logic.  but here's what i wondered folks, here was my train of thought:

i like doing boy things. i like hanging out with the guys a hundred times more (if i was allowed to). the girls and i don't connect on a FUN level and i have absolutely zero emotional connection to any of the males walking around me on a daily basis. zero. and it's been ten years--if something were gonna happen you'd think it'd have happened by now.  um...am i gay?

other thoughts crept into my mind and i wondered further if my thoughts were professing some homosexual reality that i hadn't accepted yet.  then, something happened. my mom mentioned randomly in a conversation that was headed no particular direction, she said, "my word, who HASN'T had homosexual thoughts every now and then?"  i remember this sigh of relief washed over me.  my mom's been married over thirty years and she and my dad love each other tons.  she was a walking, talking STRAIGHT person admitting to having homosexual thoughts throughout her lifetime.

i felt relieved when she'd said this because it was like my deep and dark thoughts weren't so unheard of. they were normal! i read my bible and i know what the lord says about homosexuality and i really believe that homosexuality or any sexual orientation outside of heterosexuality is wrong.  i do.  but on the off-chance you're narrow minded and are currently accusing ME of being narrow minded, then please refrain.  because here's the deal: hating on anyone for anything (their race, their sexual orientation, their lifestyle choices) is wrong.  i believe that full force.

i believe that the LGBT lifestyle is a sin.  i believe hating on folks living the LGBT lifestyle is a sin.  therefore, i'm not narrow minded because i won't bash you for your beliefs. so, don't bash ME for my beliefs otherwise i'll call YOU narrow minded.  eat it.

but here's my bit:  i'm saying that homosexual/bisexual thoughts don't make you homosexual/bisexual.  i wonder if there are LGBT people out there who wouldn't be so if they'd known it's possible to be heterosexual and experience thoughts that stepped over the bounds of heterosexuality.  i'm sure not all LGBT people's experiences have been like that, but i still wonder if there have been some.

i believe satan's main scare tactic is to corner you and to isolate you. to make you feel like you're the only one on the planet thinking and feeling what you're currently thinking and feeling.  satan tried it one me.  i thought homosexual thoughts and something crept over me and suddenly i was worried that i was a lesbian.  god used my mom in my life to shed light on the darkness satan was trying to throw over me when she said "my word. who HASN'T had homosexual thoughts every now and then?"  i think i was fourteen when this happened.  the age when many LGBTs decide whether or not they believe they are LGBT or straight.  in the name of jesus, i declare that satan is a douche bag.

satan tried taking me down that road. and HONESTLY, there are still days in my life that homosexual thoughts cross my mind.  bisexual thoughts CROSS. MY. MIND.  and then i pray in the name of jesus that they would be taken away and that truth would fill up the space satan's lies are trying to take.

i am a heterosexual girl excited about GETTING IT ON with my husband someday.  this isn't something that's been a natural thought that's gone completely undebated in my life.  but by the grace of god, it's a fact set in stone because i've got the holy spirit living inside of me calling out the bluffs of satan.  in this case the bluff of satan sounds like this, "micah, just admit it, you change the channel when victoria's secret commercials come on for guys' purity but also for your OWN purity. a straight girl wouldn't have to do that."  holy spirit chimes in and says, "BULL. in jesus' name, satan, GET. OUT."

that's how it goes.  and let me be clear: i'm a heterosexual girl excited about GETTING IT ON with my husband someday.  i'm not in denial.  and my stating that does not imply that i really am in denial.  i'm very open about my experiences and i want y'all to know it because life's too short for taboo topics.

i like boys.  i like them a lot.  i want to marry one someday.  i have thought before about girls.  there was some temptation there.  but god was faithful--he sent his holy spirit to correct the lies that i was thinking about believing and i obeyed him.  and life is good.

life is real good. seriously.