and iiiiiiii will hold on hope.

Is there some quick fix to this that I’m not seeing? Usually my problems don’t last this long. My fuse is long and once it’s lit, I’m normally reasonable about throwing a bucket of water on it. Normally, I have a few conversations with some good people and I’m good again. Usually, my problems are normal things that I go through like a repeat offender. Dealing with these issues is a one day thing and after that I’m on my way to a better tomorrow. 

The world sucks and everybody knows it. Everybody’s felt it in a dad or mom gone south or a non existent bank account or presence of bad or lack of good relationships.  Whatever it is, we all deal with it and we get by.  We hang on hope, play some Mumford and eat a Scratch cupcake. And I’m here to vouch that cupcakes and music as coping mechanisms are not superficial.  Jesus is involved in the hope, in the Mumford, and most definitely in the cupcake. Those things are heavenly.  

But what happens when hope is out of stock, Mumford’s new album never comes out, and Scratch is always out of your favorite flavor? What happens when you feel royally screwed without any confidence that things are going to get better.  Or easier. What then?  Do we ever talk about sessions with shrinks that don’t make you feel better?  Or Bible verses that don’t speak to the hurt in your life?  Or journal entries, once a coping mechanism, that don’t speak to what you’re really feeling?  Trying to put into words what you’re feeling makes you feel dumb because half the time you can’t define what you’re feeling in the first place. And in the second place, you feel like this horse is dead and gone, and even though it ain’t gettin any deader you can’t keep from kicking it within an inch of its non-existent life. Again.

The thing about sin is that is disrupts the proper order of functioning in this world.  Sin leaves people helpless without hope or solutions to anything.  And not that I’m some cop, self-employed, trying to keep bad things from ever happening again. I mean, not that that’d be unwelcomed if it were possible.  But come on, what am I supposed to do.  There are people in my life with problems bigger and stretching further than all the mountain ranges in this world combined. Damage has been done long before I met them.  Damage is being done to them and I watch it happening and I have no control over the situation.  “I’m sorry that happened to you.  That person was wrong to do that,” and an arm around their young shoulder.  They walk away from me saying, “It ain’t your fault.”  

I’m helpless.  Don’t for a second think I haven’t considered praying for them.  Don’t think I haven’t given light to the belief that our prayers rend the heavens, that they move the heart of God.  I’m sure they do.  Really.  But looking at the heart that’s so hurt standing in front of you and saying to them, “I’ll be praying for you,” waving goodbye to them as they get shipped off to the next less than ideal, non-permanent home------doing that takes everything in me that once made sense and shreds it.  It takes everything in me that once could cope and makes me the weakest, most incapable, hot MESS I’ve seen.  

I’ve never been here before and I’m finding my tried and true techniques for dealing aren’t working.  And I’m willing to try new things.  I’m okay with being honest and crying in front of people I barely know.  I don’t even care.  Ask me if I care.  And I can’t even ask “How long, God?!” because I know it’s just going to get worse.  Honestly, it is.  So, what do I do, how do I cope, how do I help, how do I have joy in the midst of this, how do I trust that my God is GOOD?  

Short answer: I don’t know yet.  Until then, it’s okay to feel whatever you feel.  Just keep showing up, whatever that looks like in life.  Just keep showing up.  Even if you’re not sure if what you’re doing looks like faithfulness to God, keep being honest.  Keep being open to change and be intentional about getting up, doing what you’re supposed to do, staying healthy and active.  

I guess the rest will just fall into place.            

why i IS the way i IS: a short story.

i've given up on living life void of drama. life IS drama. NEGATIVE drama. and the less time i spend criticizing it and hating it, the more time i can spend kicking its butt.

i've been working with teenagers lately (crazy thinking i was their age less than a decade ago...i'm still pretty wet behind the ears...) and i've been experiencing a little bit of what their lives are like.  their lives are everything: every emotion in the book complete with reasons for each one of them.

my goodness gracious. 

i've been disappointed with the lack of joy i've been feeling in the midst of all these lives and their drama within. i thought joy was going to be automatic because...i don't know why...maybe i thought i was just that awesome and could swing my mighty sword at satan's face with all courage and all strength...

well, i'm not very courageous and i'm quite the weakling, come to find out. i think anytime i was UNaware of that, i must've been on an ego trip...or something. and i haven't seen anything close to everything. i know i'm currently seeing a fraction of a fraction of what's out there...but still.. sometimes my gut just hurts a lot and i need nothing more than an abundance of movies with roommates and hot baths (sometimes i eat my cereal while in the bathtub). like i said: weakling. 

but i don't even care. i don't care if every person in the world is boss at my job and i'm not. I'M A WUSS AND PROUD OF IT. a wuss that's learning. 

sometimes i feel drained and sometimes i feel like someone opened the floodgates of my face. all are welcomed. but the reason why i'm writing this is because there were ALL SORTS of good and bad that happened today...and i might have to go cry at some point but overall, i left that place with JOY in my heart. not a lot, but a little bit. 

my god's a good god and even when i'm drawing blanks and feeling like i suck, while that may be true, god's bigger. and the holy spirit isn't restricted by my crappiness. his power is ACT-UALLY made perfect in my weakness. one of the corinthians, chapter twelve, verse nine. BOOM. god's boss at my job and i'm on his team. SCORE. 

for that reason alone, i've got a hope.

peacocks, blow up fish, & self-analyzing therapy.

if i had been old enough when my sisters hid mom's "manners" book, i would've helped the war effort and hid it behind the toilet right along with them.  i'm not about living life snobby.  life's too short to be proving pointless points--something about how you're, deep down, better than everybody else. that's not what i call living.

but all that said....i haven't been very classy lately.  i've been overly crude (poop jokes are NOT considered at all crude...just so you know) and really just not very nice. it'd be a waste of time to say that "oh, lord, i just don't know who i am right now!" because i know exactly who i am. and what's been coming OUT of me is exactly who i really am (that wasn't a poop joke).  maybe who i've been being isn't who i normally am on the OUTside...but all that's been happening is that more of the real, gross, un-jesus-ed parts of me are coming out in real time.  i'm trying to prove that i'm REAL and RELEVANT and a BAD ASS that REALLY KNOWS WHAT'S GOING ON IN THIS WORLD.  and i'd say i am real and i am relevant (whatever that even means...i hate that word) and i do enjoy bucking the system ESPECIALLY when it's for a good cause... 

but here's what's really going on (i think): 

1) i'm insecure

2) i don't know how to stop the the REALLY BAD THINGS that go down everyday 

3) i want to stay as far away as possible from mindless, heartless christianity (sometimes NOT being that that comes naturally but other times when i feel like i look exactly like all my other "christian" friends i start to lash out...probably just to get away from the gross camaraderie feeling you get when you're JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. barf. but in that frantic "EW, GET AWAY" feeling i feel sometimes, i do stupid things that i don't wanna do and i say stuff that i really didn't feel the need to say.)

4) i use pride as an illusion. i try to look bold and sure and cool (partly because who doesn't want to be bold and sure and cool?)....but sometimes, lots of times, i do it because i don't care to have people actually seeing how crazy confused i am and how really lost i feel.  

because there's only so long you can stand feeling insanely confused and grossly lost before you find means of coping...and for some reason the jesus route seems to take too long...so, i go back to number four and fluff myself up like i'm a struttin peacock that just don't care. 

what? 

OR a blowfish that blows himself up so that he doesn't get eaten by big bad predators. (but if you'd pop him you'd find out he's just a little guy. a little guy underwater, scared to death.)  

this is me. 

...fantastic.........

refusing to remember: a happy tale.

i know i'm not old. wrinkled, cracked faced people talk with their worn cords saying they remember "it" like it was yesterday.

i'm aware that i'm unaware. most likely sooner and later life is going to kick me in the crotch (even though i don't have those parts, it's not like it still wouldn't hurt) but 'no worries'. a motto and goal all in one. all fueled by god's big heart.

i know i'm not old...that wet spot behind my ears isn't dry yet. honestly, i'm banking on it never drying. i always wanna be the 'hide in friend's basement eating forbidden fruit snacks while waiting for "ready or not, here i come!"' type.

that's something i never plan on remembering, cracked and wrinkled, "like it was yesterday." because in my life i'd prefer it to actually have happened the day before today. 

praise the lord for life.

emmaus bible college.

there aren't many times in life when i'm consciously aware of how thankful i am for where i'm at and where god's had me in the past.

i gripe and gag over some things that've gone down in the past few years.. it's honestly a little difficult to remember life before college.. seems like college took on a life of its own.. most everything that could've changed did change and its been hard for me to keep up.

i complain a lot, relatively speaking. as good as god's been, you'd think i'd have shut my mouth a long time ago. but tonight i feel thankful.

bible college a couple years back was hell. i hated it and have since not said many positive things about it.  always leaving room for the "oh, but it might be good for YOU if you want to try it out. it just wasn't good for ME" comment. but dangit, throughout that crappy year god was really close. i was a weeping, whacked out mess but jesus took care of me each and every second. i remember waking up every morning with a brain full of dread, but everyday he gave me grace to keep going. even though teachers got pissed at me for doing my homework in class. the brunt of my time spent OUTside of class was filled with constructive intentions but tired eyes that won EVERY time.

that year was such a blessing. that place became a hellish haven for me. inside it, i felt pretty miserable...but i can tell that i was so protected, too. it didn't matter who i came up against, i could cry in front of anyone and they'd quote scripture to me. it didn't matter whose door i knocked on, SOMEbody asked me how i was REALLY doing. and it didn't matter which professor i couldn't stand listening to...every one of them prayed over me and my class at the start and finish of each period. prayers that helped put meat on my bones when i felt spiritually and emotionally anorexic.

and even if i was a little outspoken and incredibly internally rebellious (and occasionally outwardly rebellious)...and even if i couldn't TAKE IT ANYMORE every second i was there...god gave grace for that. he dumped it on me...and he's still dumping it on me.

good stuff. good god.
that's all.

I'M COMING OUT about what should really be coming out.

the other day in my sex class there was a panel of LGTBs. for those of you not caught up on the modern day of reality, LGBT refers to the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transexual.. or transgender. both.

one girl on the panel shared her story of coming out. she said that from the day she drew breath she was one of the guys.  she was always the tomboy. (mind you, your stereotypes aren't working because this girl's not butch. she's cute and dressed girly and has pretty long hair.)  she's outdoorsy and loves all-terrain vehicles. any time she played with barbies when she was little she was terrorizing their plastic beauty, running them through the dirt and cutting their hair... she preferred gi joes.

she said from the beginning she knew she was different. fundamentally different then the rest of the girls. now, she's open about the fact that she's living the lesbian lifestyle and she's proud of it...in a non-offensive way. she seems cool. really.

but here's the deal. how she described herself held an uncanny resemblance to who i was when i was little and who i am now. and she's claiming she's a lesbian.

so, what's that make me?

here's the deal: i believe everyone on the planet has homosexual thoughts. ...but we don't talk about it. personally, i think that a lot of people thinking these homosexual thoughts are probably freaked out by the reality that they're thinking these things. maybe a girl's weirded out when her heart beats a little harder when a vicky's commercial comes up. maybe a jock's creeped by himself and the fact that he notices the physique of his locker room buddies. his friends would think he's a fag if they knew.

here's MY story. i grew up with four-wheelers and plenty of acres of timber and trails. mhmm. clean, brisk air mixed with exhaust gets my heart beating with excitement.  i wanna go fast.  i grew up in a high school full of girls who were cool, no doubt, but they never struck me as the outdoorsy type.  we connected on certain levels but only a few girl friends really understood me.  the guys in my school were usually outdoorsy farm boys. MY TYPE (largely).  but here's the deal: these dudes didn't like me. if they DID like me, they didn't love jesus (which created problems). if they invited me to hang out with them, my parents wouldn't let me go.  i was not allowed to hang out with boys one on one in high school. i was not allowed to hang out with a group of guys unless other girls were there, too.  problem: when the guys invited me to go four-wheeling i couldn't go because other GIRLS didn't wanna go or couldn't go because they'd break something. possibly themselves. anyway.. massive frustration because that meant that iiii couldn't go. parents wouldn't let me. you get it.

k. so, anyway, by the end of this story maybe you can gather that i didn't feel like i fit anywhere and i didn't feel like i connected with anyone. the thought crossed my mind "well, what's wrong with me?" then i won homecoming queen. i think people were okay with who i was. and, honestly, i was okay with who i was...but, let's rewind a little bit.  i didn't like any boys in high school ('cept that one time with that dude who could beat me on a four-wheeler. supposedly) and guys never liked me to the point of really asking me out. there'd be rumors of "oh, he likes you!" but the jerk never told ME therefore, NO. he didn't like me in any significant amount. the end. that's my logic.  but here's what i wondered folks, here was my train of thought:

i like doing boy things. i like hanging out with the guys a hundred times more (if i was allowed to). the girls and i don't connect on a FUN level and i have absolutely zero emotional connection to any of the males walking around me on a daily basis. zero. and it's been ten years--if something were gonna happen you'd think it'd have happened by now.  um...am i gay?

other thoughts crept into my mind and i wondered further if my thoughts were professing some homosexual reality that i hadn't accepted yet.  then, something happened. my mom mentioned randomly in a conversation that was headed no particular direction, she said, "my word, who HASN'T had homosexual thoughts every now and then?"  i remember this sigh of relief washed over me.  my mom's been married over thirty years and she and my dad love each other tons.  she was a walking, talking STRAIGHT person admitting to having homosexual thoughts throughout her lifetime.

i felt relieved when she'd said this because it was like my deep and dark thoughts weren't so unheard of. they were normal! i read my bible and i know what the lord says about homosexuality and i really believe that homosexuality or any sexual orientation outside of heterosexuality is wrong.  i do.  but on the off-chance you're narrow minded and are currently accusing ME of being narrow minded, then please refrain.  because here's the deal: hating on anyone for anything (their race, their sexual orientation, their lifestyle choices) is wrong.  i believe that full force.

i believe that the LGBT lifestyle is a sin.  i believe hating on folks living the LGBT lifestyle is a sin.  therefore, i'm not narrow minded because i won't bash you for your beliefs. so, don't bash ME for my beliefs otherwise i'll call YOU narrow minded.  eat it.

but here's my bit:  i'm saying that homosexual/bisexual thoughts don't make you homosexual/bisexual.  i wonder if there are LGBT people out there who wouldn't be so if they'd known it's possible to be heterosexual and experience thoughts that stepped over the bounds of heterosexuality.  i'm sure not all LGBT people's experiences have been like that, but i still wonder if there have been some.

i believe satan's main scare tactic is to corner you and to isolate you. to make you feel like you're the only one on the planet thinking and feeling what you're currently thinking and feeling.  satan tried it one me.  i thought homosexual thoughts and something crept over me and suddenly i was worried that i was a lesbian.  god used my mom in my life to shed light on the darkness satan was trying to throw over me when she said "my word. who HASN'T had homosexual thoughts every now and then?"  i think i was fourteen when this happened.  the age when many LGBTs decide whether or not they believe they are LGBT or straight.  in the name of jesus, i declare that satan is a douche bag.

satan tried taking me down that road. and HONESTLY, there are still days in my life that homosexual thoughts cross my mind.  bisexual thoughts CROSS. MY. MIND.  and then i pray in the name of jesus that they would be taken away and that truth would fill up the space satan's lies are trying to take.

i am a heterosexual girl excited about GETTING IT ON with my husband someday.  this isn't something that's been a natural thought that's gone completely undebated in my life.  but by the grace of god, it's a fact set in stone because i've got the holy spirit living inside of me calling out the bluffs of satan.  in this case the bluff of satan sounds like this, "micah, just admit it, you change the channel when victoria's secret commercials come on for guys' purity but also for your OWN purity. a straight girl wouldn't have to do that."  holy spirit chimes in and says, "BULL. in jesus' name, satan, GET. OUT."

that's how it goes.  and let me be clear: i'm a heterosexual girl excited about GETTING IT ON with my husband someday.  i'm not in denial.  and my stating that does not imply that i really am in denial.  i'm very open about my experiences and i want y'all to know it because life's too short for taboo topics.

i like boys.  i like them a lot.  i want to marry one someday.  i have thought before about girls.  there was some temptation there.  but god was faithful--he sent his holy spirit to correct the lies that i was thinking about believing and i obeyed him.  and life is good.

life is real good. seriously.

My Family Doesn't Know (that they're being recorded)