current status.

heyguesswhat!!

lately, i don't like people.

i like getting AWAY.

rants with jesus are frequent.

nothing feels good because nothing's settled.

a rant or emotional RELEASE doesn't feel good

because nothing's settled.

nothing's gonna get better tomorrow.

nothing in life fills up

cute old people, kittens, naps in the grass

they're good temporarily but i just go back and i'm still pissed.

even being profitable doesn't feel good...

it's like worship music is a drug, though..

worship feels REAL good.

proof i wasn't made for this world, eh?

i think it makes it obvious who made me...that the only real relief i get on earth is when i'm gawking at the Father on his throne.  the only place i feel good is when i'm on my face before him...or dancing for him...or raising my arms window-washing-fashion......the only experiences that feel good are the ones that put God back on the forefront of my life.  believe what you want, but i guarantee this is better.

braggin on the big guy.

this guy i know sits down next to me and says this (among other things), "y'know, i really don't know you that well but i'll just say it: i've struggled with depression."

i say, "join the club!"

he says, "it's genetic."

i say, "join the club!"

he says, "but you seem really happy and stuff..."

i say, "jesus."

he says, "yea, jesus points!"

i say, "jesus gets MAJOR points."

:)

jesus heals. if you're not healed yet, don't give up. jesus CAN and WANTS to heal.

i guarantee.

so, yep. just braggin on the big guy. less than three ALL over the place.

liza told me to keep 'em short. i was nauseated, myself.

how to sink into a life that hasn't happened yet. what the crap? to process everything that encompasses what i like and what i wanna do tomorrow and the days after... one thing: i like taking things a day at a time. so, picking a career path today that i'll like tomorrow? that's been kinda difficult, ya see.

i've tested the waters in lots of different areas. i like music but heaven help me (literally..i mean that..) if i'm not given outlets outside of teaching music everyday that allow me to be whoever the heck i wanna be on that given day. that sentence was confusing. moving on.

i'm not the teacher type. maybe because i value anything but routine on a daily basis. basically, i hate being teacher-y. and by teacher-y i mean: responsible, organized, and down to business. i like being those things when i need to be...i like being whatever i need to be to get a current job at hand done. however, lots of people probably think i'm irresponsible for my college messyness...(ask me if i care. youdonnknowme)...and, as a lifestyle, i'm really not organized and i'm also a goof. thus, destroying the 'down to business' category. most times, anyway. take for instance, today with my family at culvers i shot a baby tomato (from my mom's salad) out of my mouth at my sister who was sitting quite far from me. part of my grilled cheese flew out of my mouth at the same time as the tomato. mom picked up the soggy bread with her fork and put it back in my mouth.

i'm not a teacher. i'm the kid sitting in detention. let's be honest.

SO. i switched my major in college. aaand didn't save a dime doing it.. but. y'know. god provides. :)

fully aware of what assuming makes you and me.

(this is all being written by micah to jesus in a journal. in a restaurant. recently.)

so, i'm at this restaurant and i know this kid sitting a couple booths down. i assume the woman he's sitting with is his mom. he's probably 17 or something. from what i've heard this kid doesn't have a good family life. quite the polar opposite, actually.

i'm getting the idea that his mom wanted to try and spend time with him (maybe..) but he's just sitting there on his phone...talking to someone..about nothing. his supposed mom is sitting right across from him and he's texting when he's not talking to other people. he's not paying any attention to her. 

maybe she deserves it. but we all can use some forgiveness every now and then...maybe he's so burned out that, really, the only reason he came to this restaurant with his "mom"  was for the food she was most likely going to buy him. the only person SHE'S talking to is the waitress when asked if she wants a refill on her sierra mist. she does. 

this kid has no clue. maybe he knows a LOT. more than anybody will give him credit for. he's craving love and his mom's craving a redo. maybe not. maybe she doesn't house any regret. maybe she's a great mom. but she might be terrible. she might be flaky and acting out a bad version of how she was raised except, now, with her own son. 

his dad doesn't know what he's missing. i bet his son does. but maybe not, too. maybe his son thinks kids are better off without their parents. but he's got a cavern inside him. both father and son. maybe they're so busy occupying themselves with other things that no one notices the makeshift tarp covering that said cavern. maybe all people see is that they're the hardcore partying type. maybe his dad's a jack. maybe he's stoned. maybe leaving his son's mom was the only thing he thought he could do at the time. i wonder if he regrets that? does he love you, jesus?  

does this kid know anything good? does he possess any life skills that will help him discontinue old habits (die hard)? does he know that life BETTER exists? he HAS hope. his life CAN have legit meaning. he CAN know his creator. just seems like everything will be uphill for him, though.  

and now mom picks up the phone. she's pissed about work.

maybe they're a happy family. but praying they'll be a saved family. in jesus' name.

i'm me. i promise.

i like 4-wheeling
i like animals
i like being outside.
i like craft hour.
i love paper. 
i like figuring out how mechanics work.
i like building things.
i like power tools.
i like knowing how to do all things useful.
i like music.
i like cruising.
i like mudding.
i love mashed potatoes, sweet corn, and chicken.
i like it when my dog sleeps with me.
i love jesus.
i like being fired up about things that matter.
i like being stubborn for the cause of christ.
i like being wet with river water all the time.
i like testing my balance by standing in canoes. and kayaks.
i like taking pictures of cool, pointless, fun stuff.
i like sitting down to read a book, getting impatient and, then, playing outside instead.
i like playing guitar.
i like unannoying conversation. but i'll have annoying conversations if need be. whatever, y'know..
i like peanut butter.
i like big glasses of milk. i think it tastes sweeter when it's warmer.
i like hair dying parties.
i like hanging out with girls.
i like hanging out with guys.
i like hanging out with people.
i love dogs.
i like cheetos, but not too many at once.
i really want a slack line. i'm gon make one.
i love the country.
i mostly really DON'T like GPS'. i love maps.
i love my gramma.
i wanna go fishing.
i love my job. so glad to have it. it's perfect for me.
i love my family. they're the best.
i like my bible, too.
and i really like journals.
summer is awesome.

a story that's been heard before.

i look at life and try to type out an explanation, but i'll tell all honestly, i have no idea what's going on.  my college days might not be the predictable kind that'll be moved on from in four or five years with gobs and gobs of warm fuzzies. who knows. i'm not done yet..

i started at northwestern in orange city. i was grumpy at first. moving in, everyone thought i was an antisocial brat. this is true. BUT ONLY BECAUSE: i don't like change, i hate school, and i don't like groups of people who don't know me but are happy to see me--it reminds me of camp. i hate camp. i've always hated camp.  camp doesn't allow for adjusting time or nesting time. after arriving five minutes ago, your presence is wanted at orientation/get-to-know-you games. sick. everyone just leave me alone. i'll talk to you next week. sheesh.

BUT. all turned out well and i found myself on a wing full of females that i enjoyed (and still enjoy) oh-so-much.  every dern one of 'em.  i swing between thinking god's really nice to have given them to me and, then, feeling bitter that i don't get to BE around them as much anymore. though, i am super dooper thankful to get to visit them frequently as of late.

sometimes i feel insecure. they all continued down the awesome path of friendship that we started off on... but then i left.. and they were awesome to keep me in the loop as the distant friend... but i'll be honest again: i miss that i'm not around for the late nights and the "i don't want to talk to you cuz it's too early but can i still sit by you at breakfast in the caf?" i miss that. i miss the choral of friends that wait a half hour every day in the fern "24 hr space" for various scragglers who don't get out of class til 12:30. we'd eat together. as much as possible. even with all my options, i still ended up eating cereal and french fries just about every day.

i love that they're still around. i love that we're still friends. but i wonder what god's up to. i wonder what was his plan and what was mine. i wonder what he means for me to get out of these next couple years at UNI except more distance within the relationships i cherish most. i just said 'cherish'. i went to a wedding this weekend. gimme a break. i also said 'within'...next it's gonna be 'whom'.. hurl.

but then i'm clamoring in my head and i'm losing faith and i'm trying to reinforce ropes that i fear are fraying. i'll work to strengthen bonds by whatever means and i'll come across AT LEAST to myself as annoying. it's overkill and you're not acting normal anymore. but you're too insecure and afraid to act the REAL normal. but that's all stuff that jesus can help, given the chance.

i don't know why life switched to emmaus. but i'm glad for some folks that befriended me there. so glad.

i don't know why i ended up at UNI. i hated emmaus, that's why. but i don't know what being faithful there looks like. i thought i knew the first time around at northwestern and i had a good idea of what being faithful looked like at emmaus (i mean, faith was all that was ever talked about) but, now, i'm just confused. and i'm overcomplicating. let's just declare that right now. satan's a douche and i know that if i just rest, god'll take over and the holy spirit will hook me up with everything i need to know.

but this path is so jigjagged and scrambled thus far that i wonder if i made a mistake somewhere. i trace back to where i was absolute happiest (but also the most lost, to be fair...) and i land back at northwestern. coveting everyone who got to stay there. and i say to myself that god's got a different plan for me. but sometimes this road seems unnecessarily hard. seems like a lot of other people bent on doing big things for god got to stay at northwestern all their years. so why does the niche i fell into stay behind five hours west? i don't know. and maybe i'm overrating everything about college and atmospheres and maybe i shouldn't care. that'd be best, i think.

but thanks, god, for not just going with it but for leading it. thanks for fast pitches and dull aches sometimes. cuz, seriously, i don't wanna be a wuss and i want to be a tree planted and rooted by streams of living water. psalm one. check that out. for serious, THANK YOU for making life difficult. THANK YOU for not giving me cookie cutter situations with cookie cutter solutions. THANK YOU for the lack of smooth sailing. THANKS for letting me claw you half to death as i freak out in this boat, perfectly floating, that i feel i'm sinking in. thanks for being patient as you loan me perspective. :)  you're a good one, you are, and i'm thankful--though still REAL rough around the edges--for whatever experience you're hooking me up with. thanks for situations where i find it difficult to trust...i mean, thanks for them as long as i get BETTER at trusting you in them. i'm still pathetically soft. and rooted pathetically shallow. but i'll take that home improvement project you're offering... go all out. i'm game for reconstruction.

a lot of nothing. which i like.

i REALLY have nothing to write about which kinda makes me want to mindlessly type out a blog.... and see for myself what's really on this mind...

i had a dream the other night that i guy i knew in high school had a baby boy that died. and then i told another guy in high school about it.... "hey, did you hear? his kid died.." weird. and to that i wake up thinking, i should tell that dreamed father/friend of mine that he should refrain til he's hitched. he might have a son. and then that son might die. amongst other complications.

it's my birthday on saturday. it's also my stinkin awesome friend, Brittany's wedding day. i told her she could sing me happy birthday from the altar. it's really no big deal and it'd be perfectly acceptable and, i think, fitting. i'll probably send them a 'HAPPY ANNIVERSARY' card for the rest of my life...being as how i'll remember it every time it rolls around and all.

i've realized that fuss stresses me out. and sometimes i'm crazy and out of my head so it makes me wonder why iiiiii get stressed out when others appear to be a little less calm than i feel. i don't really know. i think that in my head i use myself as a standard to gauge who's calm and who's flighty. if I'M feeling really chill then someone who tells me to hurry or "QUICK! VACUUM!" or explains to me that they just can't handle something that seems relatively simple to handle in MY current zen-y state.... then, i dub them Flighty. but, you see, if I'M the one who's freaking out over something and i look around and see CHILL people all around me then i'll most likely be irritated with them and everything else in life because THEY aren't feeling the same way i am. as if everyone should feel the exact way that i do all the time.. i don't actually think that... but... i think i think that anyway... i mean, really.

i have driving habits:
1) i can't stand driving behind other vehicles. i'd rather speed for a long time in order to pass them and get ahead of them a ways and THEN slow to normal speed.
2) seven miles over the set speed limit is my usual.
3) i don't usually listen to music or anything while driving. sometimes i do... having constant noise for over twenty minutes tends to stress me out. i also think silence is FAR underrated. i like hearing myself think. sometimes i don't like what i think about. then, i turn music back on... and then i get stressed by the noise and most likely overplayed tune. and then i'll crave silence. and think. and cycle continues..
4) i always speed up to try and run a yellow light. unless it's just impossible.. then, i'm reasonable. i'll stop for cross-traffic.
5) i like my windows down almost all the time. my car doesn't have air conditioning. and then the words 'air conditioning' make me think there's an 'air shampoo' somewhere out there. conditioner...shampoo..body wash... why don't they just call it an air cooler...or something. nevermind. i don't actually think i'm making a valid point.

i have a stack of 'summer reading' books that i have subconsciously admitted to myself that i will never read. probably ever.

i appreciate when people look bad. physically. cuz ya know there are those people who say, "ohmygosh, i look like such a slob today." and then you look them up and down and think how awesome they look and how you wish you could look that good on your bad days but not really because you KNOW she spent a good amount of time matching her sweats before she put them on and is REALLY probably just fishing for compliments... which you, then, tactfully decide NOT to give her. evil laugh. stickin it to the man. WOman. whatever. but, anyway, i like it when people can really just look BAD. like, not even look like THEMSELVES kinda bad. like, hit by a truck messy hair that just looks gross and zits in awkward places that seem to make a constellation you saw once in the night sky... THAT KIND OF BAD. where their outfits look terrible and not even the slightest bit cool or "funky style" looking... just bad. i like the community of people that look that way in front of each other every now and then. but, still. i AM an advocate for looking good. decent. kind of. yes. decent. i suppose.

i had another dream that the wolf escaped from her pen. i work at a nature center. our goal is to keep the wolf INside her pen. even if she is strangely domesticated and friendly to all those holding bacon...

mom made turkey burgers and macaroni tonight. i liked it. a lot.

i'm still a leach when it comes to hovering over what dad's doing. and i don't care if i'm annoying. i am GOING to help him change the oil in the tegeler vehicles whether he likes it or not. and i will make jokes when he's at his pinnacle of irritation so as to send him over the edge. then he'll hit me over the head, side-swipe-wise, and i'll laugh a whole lot. he'll laugh, too. in an 'oh my word, micah, you're so annoying' kind of way. which is my role in life. i love it.

peanut, the dog, thinks she can pee on surfaces other than the grass. she's got another thing comin, i tell ya.

to celebrity magazine authors that gab about people with "OH MY GOSH! CELLULITE!" ...to you i say: get a life. YOU have cellulite and you know it. it means you're normal. people with meat on their bones look GOOD. BEAUTIFUL, might i add. so when she drops a couple dress sizes don't applaud. if she looks good, then fine. but who cares. two minutes later you're gonna be asking her fans to beg her to get to a doctor. she's too thin. for crying out loud, when she was healthy you said she had cellulite. do everyone a favor--slightly or majorly insecure readers who dare to compare THEMSELVES to your ridiculous standards INCLUDED-- and back. off. i feel mother bear awakening inside of me.

that's all. all ramblings are over.

i've eaten way to much gorp while writing this. gorp=m&ms, peanuts, raisins mixed together. period. s'all ya need.