a story that's been heard before.

i look at life and try to type out an explanation, but i'll tell all honestly, i have no idea what's going on.  my college days might not be the predictable kind that'll be moved on from in four or five years with gobs and gobs of warm fuzzies. who knows. i'm not done yet..

i started at northwestern in orange city. i was grumpy at first. moving in, everyone thought i was an antisocial brat. this is true. BUT ONLY BECAUSE: i don't like change, i hate school, and i don't like groups of people who don't know me but are happy to see me--it reminds me of camp. i hate camp. i've always hated camp.  camp doesn't allow for adjusting time or nesting time. after arriving five minutes ago, your presence is wanted at orientation/get-to-know-you games. sick. everyone just leave me alone. i'll talk to you next week. sheesh.

BUT. all turned out well and i found myself on a wing full of females that i enjoyed (and still enjoy) oh-so-much.  every dern one of 'em.  i swing between thinking god's really nice to have given them to me and, then, feeling bitter that i don't get to BE around them as much anymore. though, i am super dooper thankful to get to visit them frequently as of late.

sometimes i feel insecure. they all continued down the awesome path of friendship that we started off on... but then i left.. and they were awesome to keep me in the loop as the distant friend... but i'll be honest again: i miss that i'm not around for the late nights and the "i don't want to talk to you cuz it's too early but can i still sit by you at breakfast in the caf?" i miss that. i miss the choral of friends that wait a half hour every day in the fern "24 hr space" for various scragglers who don't get out of class til 12:30. we'd eat together. as much as possible. even with all my options, i still ended up eating cereal and french fries just about every day.

i love that they're still around. i love that we're still friends. but i wonder what god's up to. i wonder what was his plan and what was mine. i wonder what he means for me to get out of these next couple years at UNI except more distance within the relationships i cherish most. i just said 'cherish'. i went to a wedding this weekend. gimme a break. i also said 'within'...next it's gonna be 'whom'.. hurl.

but then i'm clamoring in my head and i'm losing faith and i'm trying to reinforce ropes that i fear are fraying. i'll work to strengthen bonds by whatever means and i'll come across AT LEAST to myself as annoying. it's overkill and you're not acting normal anymore. but you're too insecure and afraid to act the REAL normal. but that's all stuff that jesus can help, given the chance.

i don't know why life switched to emmaus. but i'm glad for some folks that befriended me there. so glad.

i don't know why i ended up at UNI. i hated emmaus, that's why. but i don't know what being faithful there looks like. i thought i knew the first time around at northwestern and i had a good idea of what being faithful looked like at emmaus (i mean, faith was all that was ever talked about) but, now, i'm just confused. and i'm overcomplicating. let's just declare that right now. satan's a douche and i know that if i just rest, god'll take over and the holy spirit will hook me up with everything i need to know.

but this path is so jigjagged and scrambled thus far that i wonder if i made a mistake somewhere. i trace back to where i was absolute happiest (but also the most lost, to be fair...) and i land back at northwestern. coveting everyone who got to stay there. and i say to myself that god's got a different plan for me. but sometimes this road seems unnecessarily hard. seems like a lot of other people bent on doing big things for god got to stay at northwestern all their years. so why does the niche i fell into stay behind five hours west? i don't know. and maybe i'm overrating everything about college and atmospheres and maybe i shouldn't care. that'd be best, i think.

but thanks, god, for not just going with it but for leading it. thanks for fast pitches and dull aches sometimes. cuz, seriously, i don't wanna be a wuss and i want to be a tree planted and rooted by streams of living water. psalm one. check that out. for serious, THANK YOU for making life difficult. THANK YOU for not giving me cookie cutter situations with cookie cutter solutions. THANK YOU for the lack of smooth sailing. THANKS for letting me claw you half to death as i freak out in this boat, perfectly floating, that i feel i'm sinking in. thanks for being patient as you loan me perspective. :)  you're a good one, you are, and i'm thankful--though still REAL rough around the edges--for whatever experience you're hooking me up with. thanks for situations where i find it difficult to trust...i mean, thanks for them as long as i get BETTER at trusting you in them. i'm still pathetically soft. and rooted pathetically shallow. but i'll take that home improvement project you're offering... go all out. i'm game for reconstruction.