best not to mention cory asbury.

do you know the way you move me?

that's jesus saying that.
he's talking about howwwwwwww MUCH he loves us.
each individual because he treasures us and we're his own
if we let him make us that.
no matter if we accept it we ARE his children
his workmanship is our everyday vehicle of a body that
lives and breathes and carries us everywhere we need to go

but whether or not that's straight into the father's arms is another story.

and i don't complain because i know my savior loves me
but whether or not i feel that love in ushy gushy ways on a daily basis is another issue.
maybe it's not an issue
maybe it's just the way i work.
and i won't assume that i'm poorly wired and inept when it comes to the father's love just because i don't feel it all around me alllll the time.
some christians would tell me that i'm meant to live in the FULLNESS OF CHRIST ALLLLL THE TIME.
and i get it.
i DO.
i get it.
but i also want YOU to understand that my sin and the sin of this world BOGS ME DOWN sometimes.
like my suzuki that had dirt in its carburator. it wouldn't run cuz all my times around the woods made it a little dusty in the insides and spat and sputter because machines don't work like that!
and i don't either.
you saw that coming.

maybe my skepticism takes the best from me
maybe my skepticism keeps my heart from deceiving me because the heart is deceitful above all else
but god's heart's not.
but maybe i'm supposed to feel this distance
maybe i'm proving my faithfulness with the grace god gives and the stubbornness i muster.
maybe the desert is some place everyone else is too wussy to walk through.
maybe i've put up an umbrella and ordered a lemonade from a passing camel who didn't understand what i meant because no one is supposed to MAKE CAMP in the desert, content on STAYING there.
but maybe i don't call the shots on the calendar god goes by.
and maybe i'm right where he wants me.

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE YOUUUUUUU.

AND I DON'T WANNA TALK LIKE YOU.

AND I DON'T WANNA WORSHIP LIKE YOU.

AND I DON'T WANNA TEAR UP OVER THE SAME THINGS BECAUSE MY HEART'S NOT YOUR HEART (and not that i think we're so inexplicably different... but ME=ME and YOU=YOU)

but there's questions left to be asked. and the questions tire me out and god waits and waits and waits for me to stop talking and stop ignoring and stop pretending like there are no answers to be had.
there are answers to be had.
i'll just have to cancel my lemonade order with that camel and get ready to move. because god DOES have bigger and better in store for the likes of myself. and i'm not fatalistic or pessimistic contrary to popular belief. but sometimes....
sometimes i just get tired.
and sometimes i just need a new paint job.
and sometimes i need a nap.
and sometimes i need out of school.
and sometimes i need to just be.
and play outside for hours and hours and some minutes.
and sometimes i just need a dog. and a kitty. a baby one.
and sometimes i just need to do music without stipulations.
and say "i don't care" to everything that doesn't involve crayons and gramma.

so.
i need a breath.

i need nothing.
god knows what i need.