screw it. screw it ALL.

of all times. seriously. not the kind of "seriously" that's said with a lisp and a rolled eye, hand on hip, with the 'wow' statement that somehow turns into a four-syllable word. ah-woww-uhh. put your best valley girl impression on and then take it right back off because we won't need it from here on out. just wanted you to get the idea of what i'm NOT saying.

i'm talking the "seriously.." that has really lost all humor in the situation. that means it's gone FAR, folks. i found dead cat parts in the woods the other day. perfect face of a cat with nothing else attached to it. i ran after naomi with it hanging from a stick i scavenged. i can LAUGH at lots and lots. LOTS.

and it's not the pissed off, raving, piss-raving mad kind of "seriously.." either. or an impatient kind. it's kinda like those times when i griped at mom for taking forever in a clothing store or something. and when she'd make me stick my foot under the dressing room door so she'd know bad guys hadn't gotten me yet. she'd try on stuff for way longer than my attention/behaving span could tolerate. 4 minutes. and i'd get anxious. and cue same story only in a grocery store. she'd make me keep my hand on the cart. and then i ran away and got lost in the produce and cracker section and she'd be SO PISSED at me. and then one time, back in the clothing store, i ran away from mom again and hid in one of those round clothing racks. i was hiding in there and i could hear her calling my name. and i wanted to stick it out and REALLY hide but i kept getting scerrder and scerrder and eventually i couldn't take it---my butt was on the line. literally. i believe in spanking. shoot me.---so i ran out from the clothing rack. caught half the thing as i tripped out from the rack and the ENTIRE. ENTIRE. rack of clothes collapsed. and THEN.

ya. i was real scerrd. ain't no goin back and ma totally saw that.

so, then, after years of those types of incidents, i learned that i had to wait and stay by mom. and even when i reached my breaking point (8 minutes) i'd STICK IT OUT because otherwise. um. badthingswouldhappen. haha mom's a good mom. taught me everything i know. except for the things gramma taught me. and dad. and bob the dog. whatever. so, it's like you're content with waiting because you know if you hurry yo-self up and out, the consequences are gonna suck. take out the mom-metaphor or analogy, idk...mom-metaphor made an alliteration so i chose that. TAKE it outta that context and put it in the opposite of fake life.

real life.

k. and it's just like.. psh. yeahh... my way sucks. always does. even if i get myself happy as a lark there are bee bee guns with pellets a-flyin and i'm and WORLD'S EAAASSSSSSSSIEEEEESTTTTTT target. every time. least it feels like every time. i'm a poof of feathers (lark feathers...a lark's a bird, right?) whose body has suddenly been obliterated and wasted by a punk-what? kid who just impressed his buddy with his wicked shot and aim. jerk's gotta sight on the thing. cheapshot. but whatever! the shot's good and i was in the way..in the way that i chose to stand in and sing happy ignorant tunes in until i got choked by a fricking metal ball the size of a pea i got stuck up my nose once. little smaller. but no matter.

so. yeah, i'm irritated. and YES, i eat lots of mint chocolate chip ice cream cuz heeyyy heyyyy!!! i bought it one time and still have some left over. SCORE. and i'll be pissed at memories i thought long gone. crazy how that works. not sure it's healthy. anyway. (not really. attention being paid to that..) but for serious. seriously, i don't like this and seriously? it feels old. and seriously? i want jesus to step out of the grocery store and give me a hug and sticker for being such a good girl inside. as if i was.. but still. no condemnation for those who love him. ILOVEHIM!! (waving hand in the air, going "OHH oHH!!! PICK ME!" yes. your mental picture was correct) but anyway. i'm discovering how much i crave affirmation. and when i'm done and hanging for that high five that eternity's keeping for me (what a terrible idea. i want my high five NOW. assuming i'll get one. i haven't been doing anything awesome lately that makes me feel like a good person wracking up those blessings in heaven....but still. can i just have a high five?)...

i want affirmation and i'll run to the world to get it but screech and halt cuz that idea sucks and then i'll go back and sing misty edwards' "my soul longs for you and nothin else will do"...nothin and no one. so stop lookin for luvvv in all the wrong placesssss. not even the love stuff. just in general stuff. maybe i should buy a pack of stickers and start awarding people "good job!" and "you're neat!" instead of getting irritated and frustrated and kinda really mellow when i don't have a welcoming committee applauding me every time i force myself to walk away from the cupboard that holds the peanut butter that has a narrow alley yet to fill in my arteries. self. control. and this isn't about eating right, either. haaaa. it's not about anything. it's just about everything.

and by the way: parents shouldn't give their kids allowances because then when the kid's not affirmed with cash or applause or something cheery and cute, then they won't be gungho for doing what they should when they should JUST because they should.

i found this in conducting a test group of people i never met nor hired to conduct a test study on. basically, i don't know what i'm talking about... but. i think the big man, daddy-guy, God is teaching me that it's okay to do what's right and do what i'm supposed to do just because i need to. and when i pout and stomp my feet and hide in the produce section---he doesn't cave. this guy's got a spine and he's not shaken by my tantrums. "good for him," i'd say if the case in point weren't myself. but whatevs. i am the case in point. and seriously. god means business. even when all i've got to say is screw it.

screw it all.

i'll be honest the only reason i put that last part is because it ties back to my title. i really don't see how that made sense in context. i guess it could make sense. nevermind. i'm done caring about whatever it is i get worked up over when words and stuff don't fit right. i don't even care. kbye.