merlin.

i wonder if merlin wanted to be young again. if he had the option if he'd go back and farm his fields again. if he'd take another shot at taming his never-fail demonic kittens. if he'd give me another blanket or tell me not to drive after dark. he was on the verge of unresponsive when i told him i was driving out to orange city tonight... his face scrunched up (he must've known what time it was) and he whispered "noooo"... and from there i will replay--from memory--what merlin woulda said after that.. had he felt better...and it's from memory because i heard the shpeal every time i left for orange city. usually at an odd time of day.

"i don't want you drivin after dark. ya get tired and ya can't see straight. then ya start drivin like the devil was chasin ya and..."

this isn't actually from memory.. but it's similar to what he woulda told me. i'd call him on my way home to talk for a while.. kill some time on that five hour trek. he'd say "are you drivin?" and i'd confirm.. and then he'd say, "girl, i don't like you drivin after dark.." and then i'd ASSUUUURRREE him that i'd pay close attention and i wouldn't drive like the devil was chasin me and i'd keep my eyes peeled for deer and i'd get home safe.. and then i'd pray, "lord, get me home safe.." and then we'd talk for a five minute maximum that i never could get him to talk past. and we'd hang up. he'd see me when i got home.

he gave me a wool blanket with cool fringes one time. i've slept with it just about every night since i left for northwestern three years ago. that's pretty much when me and merlin started being friends. i graduated early from high school and worked full-time at the care center in elkader. he always had bingo on mondays...or wednesdays.. i never can remember.. i never COULD remember (which caused problems..).. bingo was right after lunch.. i'd clean off tables as fast as i could and merlin, instead of waiting around and watching the process, would help me stack plates as high as possible ('possible' entailed how high they could be stacked before gravity won out or how high they could be stacked and still allow for the cart they were sitting on to be moved and navigated around the dining room without toppling over.....which happened to me once. it caused problems..)... merlin and i would talk small talk.. actually, merlin would do most the talking. which, later i gathered, was most often the case in all dimensions of life with merlin. one day i was ranting to merlin about how i was going through WITHDRAWAL! we didn't have any kitties that year. NO BABY KITTIES.  he told me he had some. AND that he'd like to get rid of some.

i throw my hands up in the air sometimes. and it's usually when i wave frantically in a 'PICK ME' fashion when i'm volunteering to make my house a home for baby kitties. merlin's baby kitties, in this case.

so, i followed merlin's white ford truck out to his farm one day. i felt kinda shady. i didn't really know this old man and i was following him to his farm out in the country and SOMETHING in my upbringing was red flagging and telling me that this could POSSIBLY not be a good idea. but... i risked it. i prayed jesus would keep me safe. and i drove.

kind of ironic in relation to the prayer i prayed to jesus in that last paragraph is this next part: we ended naming the two kitties Spit and Spat the demon cats. why? BECAUSE WE KEPT THEM IN QUARANTINE FOR ALMOST A WEEEEK IN THE SHOWER WAITING FOR THEM TO CAALLLMMMM DOWN.. (it's a nice technique. most wild cats love it. and then they waltz outta the shower a couple days later changed cats smelling slightly of herbal essences.) anyway. these kittens were different. they were possessed. not really. but, i mean, REALLY--we don't know what got into these kitties the day they were born.. but now i realize how merlin got that scratch on his pinky finger when he wrangled them into their wire pet carrier.

anyway.. that was how merlin and i became friends. then he started coming to all my birthday parties. and he'd come boating with us at the ambro. and we'd eat ice cream. actually, i'd mow half his lawn and then we'd have ice cream and talk for an hour... and THEN i'd finish mowing his lawn because otherwise, i told him, my mom and dad were gonna wonder what happened to me. he'd agree and then offer me a cookie.

i broke into his house once. i told him i did and then told him to check his freezer for evidence. i left him a note in his freezer accompanied by a selection of blue bunny ice cream (payback for the oodles of frozen stuff i'd eaten of his)... merlin felt a lot of things. he missed his wife and knew to the day what day she passed, what day she wasn't herself anymore, what day he took her to the care center, what day they were married, what day they met, the day he left her to serve in the army....and every day in between it was (so richly and thoroughly) implied that he loved her.

and everybody loved him. well, who knows, i guess. but iiii love him. and i love that blanket he gave me. and the teddy bear. bearS.

s'all i got for now.