reasons why i doubt god's goodness:
bad diagnosis after bad diagnosis
medication after medication
fail after fail
good choices yeilding no seen results
hard choices yeilding no seen results
sickness after sickness
i don't trust him.
i don't know if i love him.
i'm having a hard time seeing the point in obeying him.
i feel betrayed by him.
i feel left by him.
i'm sick of the 'mystery' of faith. i'm not interested! cut the crap. be real or don't be.
there's a war for my worship going on. it's no mystery to me. it's not something shadowy or foggy that is made perfectly clear once someone sheds light on it. i KNOW it's there. i've KNOWN it's there. i know satan wants me and i know god wants me..but it all feels so anticlimactic. i feel like i see satan sitting at my mental kitchen table or something. just a businessman making an offer. and nothing. i kinda feel like jesus wants me but couldn't make the meeting. he sends a note with a secretary who runs into my kitchen panting and hoping that the note hand-signed by the lord will hold me over. keep me from making a brash decision. and i don't feel an urgency to join a side. but i do feel tired. i do know lies when they enter my head but i've no urgency to crush them. i know i need to read my bible but i've no care to uncover it in the crap of my just-moved-in-ness. and i feel like this: (in the most positive way possible) i feel like i could be like an orc off of lord of the rings... down in the hot, sweaty pit where the orcs pop out of the ground. fierce and ready to kill the instant they get that imprisoning slime off their bodies. i feel like i COULD make the choice to pop out and kill the enemy and say "hey SATAN. THINK FAST! i'm fighting this one. now WATCH ME read my bible." and i'm good with that. like, i'll read my bible before i go to bed. but with the attitude of 'for some reason i'm doing this... but there's nothing in here that'll help me.'
there's a war for my worship.
i am head deep in the snares of the devil. his ploys, his speeches, his business cards, his customer service. i got it. i've heard it. and it's because i've agreed with him. when a bad diagnosis hits my family, sure, i might hear god's tears falling but what help does that DO me? why doesn't god HEAL my family? why don't those people SO JACKED UP ON THE LORD'S ABILITY TO HEAL come and meet MY family? the one god HASN'T HEALED. and i'm not ignorant. i know god's been so good to me and i know god's been so good to my family. and i'll talk myself out of self-pity after ten minutes.. and then it'll still bother me so i'll pendulum right back again and... i want somebody to be mad at god like I'M mad at god. mostly cuz i hate seeing other people so happy at how the lord supernaturally healed their paper cut. or their knee screws evaporated or something when somebody prayed. my response: well, isn't that great and don't i want to KICK YOU IN THE SHINS! both shins! and then don't i want to be bitter and pissed until my knees give out....... and as much as i hate to say...it's true, it's jesus that i feel all around me. i recognize him. i know it's him. and he's got me. and my legs are broke so i can't stand but i'm swinging and i'm hitting my head so hard against his chest again and again because can't he SEE... can't he see? and i get tired and i cry myself to sleep in his arms.. holding me soft.. my last glimpse between my swollen eye lids are bruises on his arms and on his chest. guilt flashes through me but jesus says "sssshhhhhhhhh". and he runs his fingers down from my forehead, manually closing my eyes and my thoughts forced to turn in for the night. i sleep so deep and wake up in optional peace. take it or fight it.
there's a war for my worship.
I think this is sooo true.. I've been feeling the same way about my relationship about God, it's been feeling so superficial lately, but i know that God is there, and is waiting. It helps knowing that other people are going through the same thing. keep up the good fight, you have already inspired me to push harder. God bless!
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