a fine time to be paranoid.

so, i hear this talk about not being ashamed of the gospel. and immediately i started thinking "but what about people you cringe for because they make life really unnecessarily awkward..." when you see folks or even catch yourself in a situation where you just think "this is weird. i'm talking about jesus. and it's totally not natural. and it's like rather then meeting the needs of the person in front of me, i'm using the name Jesus just so they KNOW that i'm a christian...because, in the end, this is really about ME. not about them. then they'll think i'm radical. psh. or something."

i don't know. i'd rather be weird and awkward then never say a word about the guy that runs my life (when i'm letting things flow they way they're supposed to go, anyway..).... but then also, self-proclaimed, i'm ASHAMED of the gospel. but i don't know if that's because that's truly my deep down issue-filled heart condition or if it's because i really hate the 'preachy-oblivous-to-context-and-culture' approach. you know? maybe not. not everyone follows my vehicles of thought. alternate route: i don't like typical evangelism. shoving a tract in your neighbor's hand when, really you should be inviting them over for dinner. and, oh how righteous i am--bull CRAP. i miss opportunities RIGHT and LEFT. INTENTIONALLY. i've got a big part of me that's deliberately, deceitfully disobedient to the holy spirit. he tells me to do things--in fact, just last night--and i think, "but god, let's not make things weird, shall we?" as if iiiiiiiiiiiii know something about my culture's way of social interaction that heeeee...doesn't. great, micah...way to make that call.

idiot.

and don't comment on this post saying "deary, don't be so hard on yourself" cuz i'll comment right back and say that i'm fully aware of god's grace and mercy on my weary soul, but i'm also completely tuned in to the fact that I'M AN IDIOT to think that i "just have a certain underSTANDING" that god "JUST doesn't know" cuz, uh, he's just living at such a "higher altitude" than we are on earth and, uh, maaaaaybe he just needs my help to understand that "you know, it's really not NORMAL to stop at that house on my road and tell them i pray for their salvation every time i drive past and tell them god loves them" because maybe they're really not hurting as bad as i KNOW they are and maybe what they need is love through hospitality. so. i'll wait til i've got time to make them cookies. then i'll go may day on them and attach a "spiritual note" to their plate of piled cookies and....BOLT. "cuz, you know, god... that's a better approach."

WHAT?

i'm insane.
and don't say a dang thing in response to that. confirming or objecting. i don't wanna hear it.

am i ashamed? ugh. probably. on most days. other days, when i've got peace flowin like a RIVER in my soul? i'm better at loving people those days. and there's a lot of joy that's apparent by the amount of jokes i make and by the amount i laugh at those jokes and by the length in inches my smile spreads across my face and my eyes'll water, too, cuz they do when i'm excited. and sometimes i'm just excited about life. so. eyes light up. but yeah, hug an old person and pray for opportunities to serve people. score. but i can call it quits at that, sometimes. they'll know we're in it with jesus by our love, right? orrr they'll know we're just lovey people when we love...cuz THOSE exist, too. those folks you evaluate from the sidelines for months WONDERING if they love jesus cuz they sure act like it, only to find out they signed off with the creator a long time ago when their mom died and god gave no explanation. they're done. but they just LOVE.

but. i'm not that person. christ IS behind the way i walk and talk like it ain't no thaaaang. smashmouth. but really.. and i'm not about to make my life excessively difficult AGAIN and crap my pants and have a pre-mid-life-but-just-as-intense CRISIS because i can't figure out the technicalities of my relationship with the LORD. when. REALLY. all that needs to happen is for me to stop freaking out and just, for CRYING OUT LOUD, let. the. holy for a REASON. spirit take reign in my life. been there. done that. the gospel is simple enough a child can understand it. let's not make this complicated. just love jesus and love people with the love jesus gives ya. k. good.

but let's talk about world events, shall we? did you not SEE the news and the 1,000+ people DEAD in japan after a flipping TSUNAMI washed them out. GONE. they're lives done. their hope. GONE. again. GONE. and DONE. and then the one the hit hawaii. and the west coast. and how bout the one that wiped out new orleans. that was a hurricane. same difference. tragedy via ocean. how bout death and destruction that's happening EVERWER. SERIOUSLY. what about that kid today that doesn't know HOW the crap to behave because his mom and gramma act JUST as childish as he does. how's HE gonna grow up? huh? what about the fact that the MEDIA has gone to lengths to tell my generation, "hey, don't get pregnant because, uh, then you'll have a kid if you go that route (since when should there be ROUTES) and then you won't be able to finish college. it'll be hard." says. the bird. on tv. and billboards. because mom and pops. didn't. mention it.

parents that don't raise good parents don't raise good kids and WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO.. and i promise i love you and i guarantee i'm a freak and fool and i mess up like it's nobody's business but mine. complete with business cards. number and address on the bottom. call me. we'll start a support group. pass out flyers. BUT COME ON. the world's getting worse, right?!  noah looks in the mirror and it's near exact reflection. (as in the days of noah so shall it be...somethin somethin..when the end is near...) so! fine time to be paranoid, micah tegeler. i'm nice to myself, i swear i am. but this is important enough. my first AND last name's required. FINE TIME.

hippie love ain't gon save anybody. and peeps should know i'm on with jesus not marijuana. cuz, i beg you, there's a difference.

for the record, i'm not persecuted. bahaha at least to my face. who know what folks talk about. haha but i mean, really, life's good. and then, i can't say that if i were REALLY doin the whole disciple of JC thing right that i'd be a loner without a friend in the world. and that court crown wouldn't be collecting dust under my couch. cuz that's not right, either. i mean, come on. but i wonder if i'm afraid of friction. rex on toy story: i don't like confontation!!! but i LIKE fighting. i really ENJOY throwing people under the bus, honestly. evil laugh and SCORE. won that one. repent. sorry. use my words for something constructive. i'm SORRY, jesus. (that's how it often goes)... danget, i LIKE stating my opinions on a FREQUENT basis but who... CARES... if i win one for creamy verses crunchy on my pb&j.  i do. but does the same effort go into my testimony...y'know that one time when jesus saved my scared to DEATH five year old soul from the flaming fires that gave me bad dreams. mom  prayed for me and i slept sound that night.  PRAISE THE LORD, O, MY SOULLL--I MIGHT START CRYIN RIGHT HERE AND RIGHT NOW cuz that was AMAZING! how precious he is to scoop me up. gross, disgusting and dingy from my thick voluntary inhales of world and lust on a daily basis.  my god's an awesome god, y'all. and what i give him back: a willingness to serve but not a willingness to burn.  i realize i just talked about fire back there so you might be thinking i'm referring to that with the word 'burn' but i'm not. a willingness to burn with passion for jesus. a willingness to do whatEVER the holy spirit prods toward because i can't STAND my own way of doing things. i'm not dead to self. quite alive, more like. and i can't shake it even though heaven SCREAMS inside of me. refer back to blog titled "everyone needs an untitled"...i think that's the one.. the one about KNOWING there's something inside of you that's meant for a SOMETHING. and it burns inside but sometimes your own tears can put it out. lack of my own movement makes me depressed. i think SOME times it's the reason for me begging and clawing for a WAY OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT. i get SO INSANE because i WANT to get out and someone PLEASE just tell me my college has gone bankrupt and i have no options and the only thing to my name is a ticket to africa. you're screwed. you have to live there and listen to the holy spirit cuz otherwise you'll get skewered and roasted and eaten. i really don't know where i'm going with this. but i DO know that i'm okay with being passionate and on fire for jesus (again, not referring to the flames that may roast me if i don't listen to the holy spirit) but the mental picture for that is in a foreign country far away from home and comfort.

i have a DANG hard time living that out in iowa. i've got contingencies that the lord isn't interested in. i wanna be who he wants me to be but where iiii see it best playing out. away from my family. and friends. and people i've lived life with. because then i won't be embarrassed. and i'll just send home letters about "OH MY FREAKING WOW, LOOK AT WHAT GOD'S DOING HERE" and then you'll all think i'm legit because there's a picture of me holding a baby with a snotty nose and i'm not wearing any makeup which makes me look rugged and "IN  it" with those people that are just needin to hear bout the love of jesus. ....i feel for some reason the innerds of my brain are coming out on paper and i'm thinking to myself "mike, you should stop. this is gettin nasty." but HELLO (together, now, say, "hi") this is the state in my HEART, folks. and i don't even wanna THINK about getting all emotional with you. sick. but this is reality.

so, a fine time to be paranoid, micah. a soul's a soul and the ones that died in japan are just as likely to die HERE. hell's as hot for lost there as it is for lost HERE. except, here you'll get persecuted by the people you KNOW. ouch. copout NOW. QUICK. cuz, ooooooooooouuuch. cut's deepest, i think, when the people that loved you once don't love you anymore. people that called you up since grade school don't call you anymore. cuz you've "changed". and the relatives that kept quiet before now elbow the person next to them when you walk in the room. exchanging glances, understanding. HOPING you don't go at it again. this jesus stuff makes reunions awkward.

but then at least seeds are planted.

at least then there's something for the spirit to water.

at least then your hands are clean.

and god have mercy for the blood that's on mine.

pass me a tissue. cuz now's a fine time to be paranoid.