this one's different, i promise.

there's something like freedom calling my name
and get your grocery bag in the back of the car
this ride's bumpy, not entertainingly
sometimes, more like, drainingly
p.s. the bag is for puking if you get nauseous
but i feel like i'm pretty okay under pressure
depending on the pounds per square inch
i'm referring to actual pressure here
no pun about losing weight because i think girls are way too focused on
losing more and more and more
when really
if we'd all just stop and decide it's okay that we're all not
perfect
and the fact that my ears are more lopsided then something that's really lopsided
doesn't matter
maddening if you think about it.
top models are airbrushed and what are we trying to prove?
again?
remind me cuz sometimes this gets hazy in my mind
but the haze drifts over the road and we're back to the top
that bumpy road that i'll slap the narrator if they call it 'life'
but it's so beautiful
some, iiiiiii, call it lots of other things depending on lots of things
but you know why my life's not working?
cuz i'm under this junk, white t-shirt, grease stains all over because
i can't figure out where each part goes and i'm
OBSESSED
sometimes with the details because sometimes i wanna make a show out of
'woe is me. i haven't figured it out yet. despair. agony!'
bull!
this holy spirit, i feel, is way underworked in my department
cuz i claim OCD before i submit to something i can't see but i HEAR
is great with people.
ask so many questions and stress myself out
KNOWING that i'm good with whatever
but for some REASON i don't care but DO to know
stupid.
satan's totally trying to convince me i'm someone i'm not
totally not
not in my job description
jesus
jesus
he gave me a new one
and um. i quit a long time ago, sooo.
jesus? yeah? ok let's go.

burlap itches. please, it's not necessary.

every time satan wants to screw you over and make you want stuff you don't have/aren't supposed to have or whatnot.. read your bible. or do something obviously constructive. i've found letting a thought of discontent stew for more than a second causes it to turn into a stinkin pot of BOILING crap that makes you hate your life.

totally unnecessary.

because down in, you really might be a happy person. you totally  might have joy potential just under the surface. and cue this: that'll piss satan off. he'll be taking that away just as soon as possible. so. god knows the desires of your heart. take comfort. uh. satan does, too. isn't that nice. he'll throw a noose around your neck but you'll be the one that hangs yourself. if you love jesus then the only thing satan can do is tempt you. not force you to think or sulk in anything.

so, yep. needin some grace to be taking responsibility for the bunny trails leading nowhere somewhere behind my face. and who knew? i'll be immediately dingy and depressed-feeling after about five minutes of not going all out in jesus' name slamming those thoughts satan plants--or i plant..s-- in my brain. colors really aren't pretty anymore and squirrels and their twitchy-ness isn't cute, and the slightest obligations weigh heavy. and then i feel worth less then WORTHLESS and eventually...impendingly (i don't care if that's not a word)... i'll hang my head low and mope before the throne of the Lord. "o. OH. OHHHHH woe is me. my poor, poor unfortunate soul. so locked up in the demands of this life i call LIFE. so so OH SO much bondage. my face, Lord. Lord, do you see my face? it's scrunching. oh. oh my.. i'm crying. oh. OH. SOMEONE. HOLD ME!"

*crickets*

GAG A FREAKING MAGGOT! not that there aren't some times in life when you just need to be pathetic in front of jesus, but...my WORD, woman. do you not SEE what's happening here! satan gives you a knife and you slit your wrists. and cue: "man, OUCH, god! did you see what that devil just did? where you be!!? did you  not SEE that?! man, where ARE you, man?"

i don't know why the back street accent. bear with me.

then i think, "okay. okay, fine. god's not talking to me. take out my ash and sackcloth...knew that burlap was good for somethin...DESPAIR! AGONY!"

*tree frogs*

well... folks.... it's gotten old. and, personally... welp, yeah... it's just gotten real old. satan's got bad plans for me, i've noticed. and when he laid out the blue prints of his plan for my life, i threw up my hands and weaped. like a jerk who is so dense IN the head and so stinkin' like a sheep OR turkey that looks up, mouth open, in a rain storm and DROWNS ITSELF. somethin's ringing a bell over here...almighty god? deliverer? defender... helper...fighter...healer....beat satan DOWNer... yep. i'm missin out on the bigness of my god.

thus. bible reading shall be quite helpful and all the more necessary. 1) for truth-filling and 2) for getting more informed on this 'big god' thing. looking forward to this.

so STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF. it's lame. what a waste.

p.s. read philippians 4.

a fine time to be paranoid.

so, i hear this talk about not being ashamed of the gospel. and immediately i started thinking "but what about people you cringe for because they make life really unnecessarily awkward..." when you see folks or even catch yourself in a situation where you just think "this is weird. i'm talking about jesus. and it's totally not natural. and it's like rather then meeting the needs of the person in front of me, i'm using the name Jesus just so they KNOW that i'm a christian...because, in the end, this is really about ME. not about them. then they'll think i'm radical. psh. or something."

i don't know. i'd rather be weird and awkward then never say a word about the guy that runs my life (when i'm letting things flow they way they're supposed to go, anyway..).... but then also, self-proclaimed, i'm ASHAMED of the gospel. but i don't know if that's because that's truly my deep down issue-filled heart condition or if it's because i really hate the 'preachy-oblivous-to-context-and-culture' approach. you know? maybe not. not everyone follows my vehicles of thought. alternate route: i don't like typical evangelism. shoving a tract in your neighbor's hand when, really you should be inviting them over for dinner. and, oh how righteous i am--bull CRAP. i miss opportunities RIGHT and LEFT. INTENTIONALLY. i've got a big part of me that's deliberately, deceitfully disobedient to the holy spirit. he tells me to do things--in fact, just last night--and i think, "but god, let's not make things weird, shall we?" as if iiiiiiiiiiiii know something about my culture's way of social interaction that heeeee...doesn't. great, micah...way to make that call.

idiot.

and don't comment on this post saying "deary, don't be so hard on yourself" cuz i'll comment right back and say that i'm fully aware of god's grace and mercy on my weary soul, but i'm also completely tuned in to the fact that I'M AN IDIOT to think that i "just have a certain underSTANDING" that god "JUST doesn't know" cuz, uh, he's just living at such a "higher altitude" than we are on earth and, uh, maaaaaybe he just needs my help to understand that "you know, it's really not NORMAL to stop at that house on my road and tell them i pray for their salvation every time i drive past and tell them god loves them" because maybe they're really not hurting as bad as i KNOW they are and maybe what they need is love through hospitality. so. i'll wait til i've got time to make them cookies. then i'll go may day on them and attach a "spiritual note" to their plate of piled cookies and....BOLT. "cuz, you know, god... that's a better approach."

WHAT?

i'm insane.
and don't say a dang thing in response to that. confirming or objecting. i don't wanna hear it.

am i ashamed? ugh. probably. on most days. other days, when i've got peace flowin like a RIVER in my soul? i'm better at loving people those days. and there's a lot of joy that's apparent by the amount of jokes i make and by the amount i laugh at those jokes and by the length in inches my smile spreads across my face and my eyes'll water, too, cuz they do when i'm excited. and sometimes i'm just excited about life. so. eyes light up. but yeah, hug an old person and pray for opportunities to serve people. score. but i can call it quits at that, sometimes. they'll know we're in it with jesus by our love, right? orrr they'll know we're just lovey people when we love...cuz THOSE exist, too. those folks you evaluate from the sidelines for months WONDERING if they love jesus cuz they sure act like it, only to find out they signed off with the creator a long time ago when their mom died and god gave no explanation. they're done. but they just LOVE.

but. i'm not that person. christ IS behind the way i walk and talk like it ain't no thaaaang. smashmouth. but really.. and i'm not about to make my life excessively difficult AGAIN and crap my pants and have a pre-mid-life-but-just-as-intense CRISIS because i can't figure out the technicalities of my relationship with the LORD. when. REALLY. all that needs to happen is for me to stop freaking out and just, for CRYING OUT LOUD, let. the. holy for a REASON. spirit take reign in my life. been there. done that. the gospel is simple enough a child can understand it. let's not make this complicated. just love jesus and love people with the love jesus gives ya. k. good.

but let's talk about world events, shall we? did you not SEE the news and the 1,000+ people DEAD in japan after a flipping TSUNAMI washed them out. GONE. they're lives done. their hope. GONE. again. GONE. and DONE. and then the one the hit hawaii. and the west coast. and how bout the one that wiped out new orleans. that was a hurricane. same difference. tragedy via ocean. how bout death and destruction that's happening EVERWER. SERIOUSLY. what about that kid today that doesn't know HOW the crap to behave because his mom and gramma act JUST as childish as he does. how's HE gonna grow up? huh? what about the fact that the MEDIA has gone to lengths to tell my generation, "hey, don't get pregnant because, uh, then you'll have a kid if you go that route (since when should there be ROUTES) and then you won't be able to finish college. it'll be hard." says. the bird. on tv. and billboards. because mom and pops. didn't. mention it.

parents that don't raise good parents don't raise good kids and WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO.. and i promise i love you and i guarantee i'm a freak and fool and i mess up like it's nobody's business but mine. complete with business cards. number and address on the bottom. call me. we'll start a support group. pass out flyers. BUT COME ON. the world's getting worse, right?!  noah looks in the mirror and it's near exact reflection. (as in the days of noah so shall it be...somethin somethin..when the end is near...) so! fine time to be paranoid, micah tegeler. i'm nice to myself, i swear i am. but this is important enough. my first AND last name's required. FINE TIME.

hippie love ain't gon save anybody. and peeps should know i'm on with jesus not marijuana. cuz, i beg you, there's a difference.

for the record, i'm not persecuted. bahaha at least to my face. who know what folks talk about. haha but i mean, really, life's good. and then, i can't say that if i were REALLY doin the whole disciple of JC thing right that i'd be a loner without a friend in the world. and that court crown wouldn't be collecting dust under my couch. cuz that's not right, either. i mean, come on. but i wonder if i'm afraid of friction. rex on toy story: i don't like confontation!!! but i LIKE fighting. i really ENJOY throwing people under the bus, honestly. evil laugh and SCORE. won that one. repent. sorry. use my words for something constructive. i'm SORRY, jesus. (that's how it often goes)... danget, i LIKE stating my opinions on a FREQUENT basis but who... CARES... if i win one for creamy verses crunchy on my pb&j.  i do. but does the same effort go into my testimony...y'know that one time when jesus saved my scared to DEATH five year old soul from the flaming fires that gave me bad dreams. mom  prayed for me and i slept sound that night.  PRAISE THE LORD, O, MY SOULLL--I MIGHT START CRYIN RIGHT HERE AND RIGHT NOW cuz that was AMAZING! how precious he is to scoop me up. gross, disgusting and dingy from my thick voluntary inhales of world and lust on a daily basis.  my god's an awesome god, y'all. and what i give him back: a willingness to serve but not a willingness to burn.  i realize i just talked about fire back there so you might be thinking i'm referring to that with the word 'burn' but i'm not. a willingness to burn with passion for jesus. a willingness to do whatEVER the holy spirit prods toward because i can't STAND my own way of doing things. i'm not dead to self. quite alive, more like. and i can't shake it even though heaven SCREAMS inside of me. refer back to blog titled "everyone needs an untitled"...i think that's the one.. the one about KNOWING there's something inside of you that's meant for a SOMETHING. and it burns inside but sometimes your own tears can put it out. lack of my own movement makes me depressed. i think SOME times it's the reason for me begging and clawing for a WAY OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT. i get SO INSANE because i WANT to get out and someone PLEASE just tell me my college has gone bankrupt and i have no options and the only thing to my name is a ticket to africa. you're screwed. you have to live there and listen to the holy spirit cuz otherwise you'll get skewered and roasted and eaten. i really don't know where i'm going with this. but i DO know that i'm okay with being passionate and on fire for jesus (again, not referring to the flames that may roast me if i don't listen to the holy spirit) but the mental picture for that is in a foreign country far away from home and comfort.

i have a DANG hard time living that out in iowa. i've got contingencies that the lord isn't interested in. i wanna be who he wants me to be but where iiii see it best playing out. away from my family. and friends. and people i've lived life with. because then i won't be embarrassed. and i'll just send home letters about "OH MY FREAKING WOW, LOOK AT WHAT GOD'S DOING HERE" and then you'll all think i'm legit because there's a picture of me holding a baby with a snotty nose and i'm not wearing any makeup which makes me look rugged and "IN  it" with those people that are just needin to hear bout the love of jesus. ....i feel for some reason the innerds of my brain are coming out on paper and i'm thinking to myself "mike, you should stop. this is gettin nasty." but HELLO (together, now, say, "hi") this is the state in my HEART, folks. and i don't even wanna THINK about getting all emotional with you. sick. but this is reality.

so, a fine time to be paranoid, micah. a soul's a soul and the ones that died in japan are just as likely to die HERE. hell's as hot for lost there as it is for lost HERE. except, here you'll get persecuted by the people you KNOW. ouch. copout NOW. QUICK. cuz, ooooooooooouuuch. cut's deepest, i think, when the people that loved you once don't love you anymore. people that called you up since grade school don't call you anymore. cuz you've "changed". and the relatives that kept quiet before now elbow the person next to them when you walk in the room. exchanging glances, understanding. HOPING you don't go at it again. this jesus stuff makes reunions awkward.

but then at least seeds are planted.

at least then there's something for the spirit to water.

at least then your hands are clean.

and god have mercy for the blood that's on mine.

pass me a tissue. cuz now's a fine time to be paranoid.

i don't want to. you can't make me.

i'm going to speak with boldness
because victory is mine through christ jesus.

writin this in red and everything
but not changing the color of font
cause then it's hard to read

i messed up today
i failed today
i was 'oh THAT girl' today
(negative connotations)

drawing arrows on myself
and the enemy likes
but i won't FILL this journal
with all my 'done wrongs'
more like i'll ask forgiveness
for everything
and i'll be windexed
chalk powder not even floating
a clean slate i am

in the lord

so maker of all things
crowder says your glorious
and so do i
so make me feel victorious

cuz i cry at the sight of blood
mental pictures drip warm
and wring of it
smell of it

cover yourself for your death draws nigh
at the hand of institutional pressure
and deep down sown
needle pricks
INSECURITY

and it's not my imagination
station
some days i wish i were back
living in the light my big sisters cast
free sailing
listening
to that tape tick back
nightloveyousorrythankyou

simplicity and first grade
and WHY is school even
a PART
of this conversation
with myself

i'm alone
yeah, right.
y'all it's my REDEMPTION
that's doin the doodlin nigh
and i've got the holy spirit
LIVIN inside

and i'm grateful
for the incineration of the rags
he uses to
wipe
i hate that word
me
clean

don't run from your ma
when she wipes your mouth clean
tragedy walking out that
apartment loaned
door
lacking perspective
for lack of a more insightful word.

not on sale.
currently
chronically
cats
FREE
(no cats. alliterations go in 3s)

how much longer til i

GET IT.

everybody needs an 'untitled'

do you ever just wanna know?
the layout in the creator's mind
when he decided your body was
worth it.
the form you are and the color of your hair
depending on the times you dye it

do you everrr JUST wanna know!?
the point is not my homework
and i know it's cool to recognize a
perfect fifth
or a four chord or
something
but i KNOW this isn't it

so, do you ever wanna KNOW?
what's locked up inside you
not meant to be behind
that bolted lock
guard dogs that don't exist
except in the form of a demonic
panic that can't let up
to the supernatural
that's
bigger.

a piercing bigger that lights up stadiums
when he opens the freezer
in the middle of the night
just jesus.
cruisin the merchandise.
i fully believe the lord eats ice cream.

when i'm sleeping he's not
weird
he talks when i'm conscious in him
but dead to this world
i only wish that was why i chronically do NOT wake up
on time

according to who?
yes
the real world tocks
and the real world ticks in the back of my neck
makes my eyes twitch if i'm exposed to
too much at once

i KNOW i'm supposed to exist in this world.
duh.
but i gotta wonder what my LORDDD wants for me
what if all i do is paint with water
making wet streaks that dry and fade
and are rarely enjoyable
except when it's 100 degrees outside.

i wanna see the
COLOR
i wanna feel the pull
to the right and the left
the swirls
the up and
the kitty corner
down to the left side
cockeyed
and beautiful.

i wanna live in that masterpiece
cuz a master he is
so let's see that work flowwww

do ya ever JUST
WANNA
KNOW

people!

can you feel that burning inside you
that you SWEAR
is NOT
a rash
is NOT
acid reflux
is NOT
a bad taco
(you might wanna get that checked)

a burrrrrn (where's shift+F7, i need a different adjective)
that makes your eyes water
with salt you
wonder
if it could flavor this earth
tears that gush from the simple KNOWING
you're right where he wants ya.

it couldn't feel better.
i don't WANT porn.
i don't WANT sex.
cuz this ring's not bling
cuz it don't exist
yet

and it's okay
not CAPS
because i don't feel that
'okay' word
as passionate as i do the others that
hit this screen more boldly then the rest.
but then my eyes water up and assist in
the removal of my makeup.
because i JUST
KNOW

that this burning inside that can
make me cry over spilled milk
or water
or nothing spilled, really
i know it means something.
something
something
something
suuuuuummmmmmmthiiiiiiiiiiiiingggggggggg

and maybe the answer's more clear then i think
but who can stand the time it takes
to get all emotional
and then sniff the snot
and go back to music theory
because this work ain't gon do itsayelf
and how
1
2
3
reasons why failing would
NOT
be cool.

but i DO just wanna cry
and i DO want to be held by the
LORD
MOST tightly
and MOST REAL. LY.
and i wanna know what he smells like, dangit.
i wanna know if he's got a five o'clock shadow
that he rubs on my face
just like dad does
to make me giggle and lighten the mood
and raise the dark that makes
my life
excessively
dramatic.
when the beauty is just beauty
and joy is just joy
and you get it cuz you do
and don't even THINK about thinking twice
cuz a child won't
and i've got a pretty simply mind
tending to overthink and overfreak

ressssssstttttttttttt
three people judging my last speech in oral comm told me to
brrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeatheeeeeeeeeee

i'm good at that when i am cuz i am
but then i get confused
and i lose it
and my heart's not light
and THAT BURDEN, jesus?!
IS NOT light. cuz yours is unattainable
in a mind that can't fathom faith
sometimes
sometimes
sometime.

if you fall and you call and you will find me
time after time
(those are the lyrics, right?)

jesus just sang me a sssooooooooonggggg.
not really one that hit me where
i need it... more like, just to fit with the pattern.
ha.
or something.
only said once this time.
after time.

who even needs a legitimate ending.