just go fishing.

this is where people start running. and i'm pretty sure this is where alcohol would come in handy. and let me be honest, i've had vivid dreams of smoking the best flavored cigarettes in the world. the feeling they give my unconscious makes me crave the nicotine of sleep, apparently. whatever that means.

the reason why i wanted to run was because nothing in my current state gave me any reason to stay.  came to grips with having been depressed for four years (and STILL in that state) and it got me piss-raving MAD at the lord for how drab his plan was for my life.

all i've got are fleeting emotions that lead me everywhere but to contentment and i've got a lot of questions filed under the tab 'jesus doesn't care otherwise he would've answered a long time ago'. i've got bitterness harbored against the creator of the universe. that should go well....

my mom and i had a conversation about whether or not i should go on meds to get my fried circuits firing again. after all, a person can only take so much before they're just not capable of getting up anymore. i wanted more than medication, though, i wanted answers! i wanted to know where i messed up! i wanted to know when consequences were going to stop knocking at my door. and i wanted to know if he really is who he said he is.

and he said, "i named it 'faith' for a reason." almost like i'm not capable or not SUPPOSED to know everything there is to know about everything. fuck that. i wasn't okay with 'faith'.. i wasn't okay with god saying, "trust me." ISN'T THAT WHAT CHILD MOLESTERS SAY????

letting the lord have it is kind of a slowing feeling. like when you try to run in a dream and your legs for some reason are more comparable to cooked noodles and you can't MOVE. except, instead of running, i'm swinging. fists. (not swings in the park. no frolicking is happening...) i keep throwing a fit and making allll of the points that all the skeptics in the world have ever made. but something about his eyes gave me the feeling that he understood. something about him NOT reprimanding me deflated me.  something about him saying, "i know. i hate it, too," brought tears to my eyes.

and just because most things about this world suck doesn't mean that my god (the one i've freaking devoted my life to how many times and how many years ago) sucks. GOD is the one who had a perfect plan. PEOPLE are the ones who ruined it.  the shit i pull combined with everyone else's is the reason why this world is shitty. every stunt we pull starts a chain reaction and more often than not, the consequences of our actions don't stop after one person cries.

so, yes. go get depressed, if you want. i did and would totally understand if you did the same. but here's one thing: i'm responsible for the answers i can't have because my sin made a separation between me and god--the only guy who i believe has all the answers. YES, i'm a believer and that means i believe i'm going to heaven when i die because i chose JESUS on this earth... but that doesn't mean my actions don't have consequences. and it doesn't mean my life's not gonna suck when i get caught in the chain reaction of OTHER people's missed steps.  but GOD DIDN'T DO THIS. and he's sparing us left and right from the crap we don't even know COULD'VE taken us out. but he's also a just father who lets his kids bare some consequences. NOT because he's MEAN. but because WE started it. and it's our fault. and he's there, WILLING and WANTING, to make beauty from ashes every time we burn this place down.

after jesus was like, "love you, i get it, we're cool," he was like, "take a breather!..just go fishing."

so, i did. and i started to heal...and i started to love and even LIKE god again. plus, i caught a turtle and i love turtles and i showed it to my mom.

k. anyway. that is all.

hello from clinton! and this is the first new blog in like a year. whatever.

HI! this is where i tell you how great it is being married in a new town with a new name and a new life.

if you know anything about me, you'll sense the sarcasm.

NOT LYING, i love being married and i love that the husband is obligated to be my constant best friend for the rest of my life. WOOT.

we both like most of the same things so hanging out isn't too difficult. i'd say we're pretty easy-going people and i very much like having him around.

so, now we're moved to a new city..Clinton... and... i've seen better. BUT REALLY, it's been a mother of a transition. my body decided to come down with every string of sickness it could possibly think of and since a month before we got married until now, i have been on antibiotics non-stop. aka, i have been "woe is me" on the living room couch for basically our entire marriage. ROMANTIC.

and, being a slight workaholic, the fact that i'm unemployed has ALSO been playing into the "woe is me." praise the lord JOE has a job otherwise we'd be sunk.

working/applying myself at SOMETHING to get a paycheck makes me feel worthwhile. having a social group that i can interact with makes me feel worth. having a healthy stance in life where i can worry about the not healthy people makes me feel worth. and, might i add, having some sort of outlet that would allow my husband or EYE to feel somewhat like ourselves...would make me feel worth.

we/i ain't got NONE of that going on so... we're left stoking hope.  we're hoping the lord will bring us all these things we feel we're lacking...because i'm high maintenance because i live in america and want more than just my basic needs taken care of...... spare the lecture. i know.  but still, it's the world i grew up in and if we're not fulfilled in all aspects of our being we're not going to be satisfied.

so. that is all. that is the honest report from clinton. i am happily married and unsatisfied with life. i'm also slightly excited because seeing as how i'm lacking lots, i'm wide open for options. options that could bring a little spice to life in a way that i haven't experienced yet. WOOT for new friends and new funs things to do!  this is going to be a fun ride.

square peg. round hole.

read an article at work in the courier. how i felt reading it reminded me of how i felt when i was employed at the youth shelter.  it went like this:

the article was about kids serving life sentences for first degree murder. the supreme court just ruled that life sentences aren't a mandatory sentence, although, states can still choose to use them as punishment. i thought about kids being in prison all their life--how if they DID get a chance for bail and they did get off, how letting them go might be more cruel than keeping them incarcerated. i mean, if they've spent 20 years in prison starting at age 13, in entering society, again, ya THINK they're going to be maladjusted?! but ya THINK they weren't already maladjusted since they, on purpose, killed someone?!

God (this is where i start talking to jesus), it's not supposed to happen! square peg, round hole. it's not right. this reality doesn't FIT.

and WHY are kids killing people to begin with? what's happened to them/what choices have they made/where were or WEREN'T their parents?!! it's a square peg and a round hole! nothing that's happening should be happening and it's all wrong!

and it's this CONSTANT pounding and grating between what's right and what's actually happening that turn my brain and my heart into one big cement mixer. and it's that rock of RIGHT and rock of REALITY grinding against each other with each beautiful kid that passes through my eyes and into my guts and into my being that starts to create gravel. and that gravel gets finer and finer and toughing it out only works 'so' well. nonetheless, i keep loving the kids (cuz it's the resounding emotion that comes out when i think about them) but pretty soon, tears--haha, why NOT incorporate tears into this metaphor--TEARS gushing from my face, day in and day out, start to create a paste with all that gravel turned powder stuff. and that gravel turned powder stuff and tears mixed together (PASTE) are bent on plastering and hardening themselves over everything in me that once was soft and warm and FREE.

and, in a short while, i'm so hard and so disgustingly broken that you (God) pull the chute and i'm out. (for those of you who don't know, i left the shelter quite unexpectedly...for sound reasons but ones i didn't really see coming until right when they [those reasons] forced me to quit). and maybe all this turmoil i was going through wasn't the reason why you took me out of the shelter...but it's definitely in the pile of possibilities that i mull over every once in a while--when my guts still hurt for those kids--those beautiful kids--who STILL need someone... and ME not being there in the trenches with them feels like...

square peg. round hole.

(and just so everyone knows, the kids at the shelter aren't necessarily bad kids with run ins with the law--some of them are just there because they're in a transition period and others, yeah, are there because they fought the law and..so far, the law is winning..but each one of them is awesome and hilarious and has a heart and have people they love with more passion than anything. they're beautiful people and i miss hanging out with them more than ever. they're great and they make my life great...but it's also hard because your heart breaks and breaks and breaks for them. so much so, you didn't know your heart could break into pieces that small. but it's worth it. and love STILL is the resounding emotion i get when i think about them.)

daydreaming about infertility. no, seriously.

i think you're underestimating the passion that's in me for adoption. i'm researching hysterectomies, folks. i'm REALLY not EVER, AT ALL interested in having biological kids.

why am i talking about this, though? i'm not even dating anyone! answer: because i feel like it. end of story.

the thought has crossed my mind several times, "what guy's gonna want a girl who's not interested in furthering his blood line?" and i've got no answer for that...only to say that any guy who cares so much about furthering his bloodline doesn't have much in common with me.  i think my gene pool is quite fantastic--my family's a ton of fun--but, at the same time, that's a luxury. biological family, i think, is a luxury...one that tons of kids aren't allotted in life.

and for me to adopt isn't to sacrifice that luxury...more like, it's just knowing that some kids need homes and making way for that need to be filled. and it's my personal belief that biological kids would get in the way of those kids, already born, who need family. i mean, really, i'm one person. i can only take care of so many kids. and if i'm gonna take care of kids, i want them to be adopted.

what happens if i get married and in the process of married life, i get knocked up? well, then, bring it on. but i'm never ever going to plan on getting pregnant. guess, if i do, then that kid is really important to jesus for him to go around my plans and give me a kid. so, why wouldn't i want that kid? sounds like a great deal.

but...my plans are my plans for a reason. jesus gave me passion for adoption for a reason. even as a single person i crave infertility. i'm serious. besides, if you want the nitty gritty, it's pretty annoying having a monthly hormonal visitor when i've got NO USE for it during any point in my life. stupid.

if everybody adopted their whole families then pretty soon nobody would be without a home. there's fricking commercials for homeless puppies on the street...who CARES about puppies!? SAVE THE KIDS!

and doing everything in my power to destroy my own fertility tells my future adopted kids that i never wanted ANYBODY in the world but them. EYE. WANTED. THEM. and i planned on them from the very beginning. from before the beginning.  and i wouldn't go through medical procedures (even if i'd find a reputable doctor who'd perform them) JUST so i could tell my kids that...i'd do it first and foremost so that i didn't have to worry about getting pregnant. that way i could adopt all the kids i don't get pregnant with! fantastic!  and, secondly, it just so happens that those procedures also show the kid, in print, that i wanted them more than anything else.  and i wanted them not because i couldn't have my own kids but because they WERE my kids.

and i'm so excited to LOVE 'EM.

so, now i'm quoting stacie orrico? what?

you wanna blog? i'll give you a blog. (nobody actually asked me for a blog.)

I AM PISSED. i think god's plan SUCKS. if this is where i'm at at the end of the day and if where i'm at is where god wants me then at the end of the day i'm saying: god's plan sucks.

i'm my own best psychologist. i've asked all the questions. i've gotten to the root of the problem.  i've traced it back to its very beginnings. and just so you know, no light has gone off.  there've been no 'ahaaa' moments. because the answer is: DUH.

i broke up
i went to an unbearable college
i went to a different college
i had an unbearable major
i had a crappy summer
i had a job at the shelter
atomic bomb detonated inside myself
and nothing's gotten better since.
four years down and i haven't felt consistently happy for four years. i haven't felt like MYSELF in four years.

fantastic.

so, i've asked myself all the hard to ask questions. i've been vulnerable. i've cried my eyes shut. i've toughed it out and i've been proactive. i've read my bible. i've memorized. i've prayed. and it's all led me HERE. this crappy place that feels like crap and i'm now a cynical, in your face JERK without a filter.

if people have ropes, i'm at the end of mine. and guess what's at the end? not a grand miraculous intervention from the lord--though, that'd be nice. no, more like a trip to the doctor's office, crying your eyes out two seconds after he checked your reflexes.

this is the intervention from the lord i get: medication because i "just can't cope with life."

if THAT'S god's plan then god's plan SUCKS.

in the words of stacie orrico: there's gotta be more to life.

no, my life's not boring. but thanks. how's your day?

nooooooooo, i don't drink. noooooooo, i don't have sex. nooooooooooo, my life's not boring.

but thanks for generalizing me into some huge genre where we're all the same and i'm a pussy if i'm NOT (the same).

i'm IRRITATED that every FIVE SECONDS i have to choose whether or not to halt all normal conversation JUST SO everyone in the circle knows that i don't agree with what's being said.

i'm ANNOYED that people think that beer and sex is all there is to life.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT, i say anybody that thinks that and makes fun of me for NOT thinking that actually has a very different version of life that they go by. SO GO BY IT. do whatever you want! you might be fine, relatively speaking, and you might not be and it might all depend on the day but ALL IN ALL, WE'RE DIFFERENT PEOPLE.

your fun is probably not my fun. you probably think i'm a goody good on a pedestal. i probably think you're insecure and if you were really confident in your life decisions THEN YOU WOULDN'T BE TALKING SO MUCH SMACK. if you were REALLY confident in your decisions then you wouldn't CARE what i thought and you wouldn't FEEL like i'm JUDGING you even though we really don't even know each others' NAMES.  you go make your decisions and GET SOME PEOPLE SKILLS because if you're gonna be the way you are then you better get comfortable.

not that i think you should be comfortable. for those of you uncomfortable you should probably not ignore that and do something about it. i recommend, seriously and genuinely, that you talk to jesus. and read a bible. i like the english standard version in case you're wondering. chasing religion is and forever will be a waste of your time. get the real deal from the beginning. jesus. yes. k. we're done.

and while i'm at it, i'm honestly gonna say that if you're comfortable now making the choices you're making and those choices mainly include sex and alcohol, i'd bet some day you're NOT gonna be comfortable. and then i'd refer you to the paragraph just before this one.

BUT CAN WE ALL JUST BE CIVIL?

for crying out loud.

if you decide not to be civil then you owe me one because it ain't gon be fun putting up with you until you decide otherwise.

but then...i owe jesus like infinite amounts so, you and me, we're straight. BUT JUST SO YOU KNOW, i have to pray to get along with you.

for some reason i get satisfaction from saying that. i hope i don't have a breach of conscience and have to take that down because i LIKE that satisfied feeling i've got right now.....

we'll go with it.

or else your life will suck worse.

i've got more blessing flowing through my life than i can keep track of. though, it makes me happy when i do. and i've also got a lot of crap circulating which, more often than not, overshadows the good going on. i've got choices to make every day: do i not stir things up and hang out in situations that aren't good for me?  or do i stir things up and get out of situations that aren't good for me, in which case, i've lost a place to hang out.  i come up empty at the end of most days and making smart decisions pisses me off.  smart choices doesn't always mean seclusion but some days it does.  i look inside myself on those days and see if i can find any character building in process...but pretty much all i see is nothing. except the blaring feeling that, in this too, i've gotta have faith.  which pisses me off but still leaves me feeling comforted in a non-obvious or sometimes obvious way when i fall asleep at night.

wisdom that transcends every aspect of your life comes from the lord.  not that people who don't love jesus are dumb... but i've got a pretty obvious 'red light, green light' system in place inside me because of jesus/holy spirit. CONVENIENT. but it's also rare to find my head and heart in the same place at the same time. choices have to be made based solely off those stop and/or go signals the holy spirit gives off and i can't wait for my innards to agree with each other.  which can leave me dragging my feet when something's changed in my life because of a decision i MADE not because of a decision that i FELT. but somehow there's a resounding something inside me that approves.  and the lord's got all the therapy i need in order to get back up to speed. because, seriously. i could use some counseling. that'd be fantastic.

and people are coming out of the woodwork to help.  jesus never leaves his kids abandoned. good thing. he's faithful to his kids even when they're big bratty jerks.  and for some reason i think he's especially faithful when his folks are faithful to him.  whatever that looks like.  SO, DON'T BE DUMB AND MAKE GOOD CHOICES. or else your life will suck worse than it does now.

the end.