of all times. seriously. not the kind of "seriously" that's said with a lisp and a rolled eye, hand on hip, with the 'wow' statement that somehow turns into a four-syllable word. ah-woww-uhh. put your best valley girl impression on and then take it right back off because we won't need it from here on out. just wanted you to get the idea of what i'm NOT saying.
i'm talking the "seriously.." that has really lost all humor in the situation. that means it's gone FAR, folks. i found dead cat parts in the woods the other day. perfect face of a cat with nothing else attached to it. i ran after naomi with it hanging from a stick i scavenged. i can LAUGH at lots and lots. LOTS.
and it's not the pissed off, raving, piss-raving mad kind of "seriously.." either. or an impatient kind. it's kinda like those times when i griped at mom for taking forever in a clothing store or something. and when she'd make me stick my foot under the dressing room door so she'd know bad guys hadn't gotten me yet. she'd try on stuff for way longer than my attention/behaving span could tolerate. 4 minutes. and i'd get anxious. and cue same story only in a grocery store. she'd make me keep my hand on the cart. and then i ran away and got lost in the produce and cracker section and she'd be SO PISSED at me. and then one time, back in the clothing store, i ran away from mom again and hid in one of those round clothing racks. i was hiding in there and i could hear her calling my name. and i wanted to stick it out and REALLY hide but i kept getting scerrder and scerrder and eventually i couldn't take it---my butt was on the line. literally. i believe in spanking. shoot me.---so i ran out from the clothing rack. caught half the thing as i tripped out from the rack and the ENTIRE. ENTIRE. rack of clothes collapsed. and THEN.
ya. i was real scerrd. ain't no goin back and ma totally saw that.
so, then, after years of those types of incidents, i learned that i had to wait and stay by mom. and even when i reached my breaking point (8 minutes) i'd STICK IT OUT because otherwise. um. badthingswouldhappen. haha mom's a good mom. taught me everything i know. except for the things gramma taught me. and dad. and bob the dog. whatever. so, it's like you're content with waiting because you know if you hurry yo-self up and out, the consequences are gonna suck. take out the mom-metaphor or analogy, idk...mom-metaphor made an alliteration so i chose that. TAKE it outta that context and put it in the opposite of fake life.
real life.
k. and it's just like.. psh. yeahh... my way sucks. always does. even if i get myself happy as a lark there are bee bee guns with pellets a-flyin and i'm and WORLD'S EAAASSSSSSSSIEEEEESTTTTTT target. every time. least it feels like every time. i'm a poof of feathers (lark feathers...a lark's a bird, right?) whose body has suddenly been obliterated and wasted by a punk-what? kid who just impressed his buddy with his wicked shot and aim. jerk's gotta sight on the thing. cheapshot. but whatever! the shot's good and i was in the way..in the way that i chose to stand in and sing happy ignorant tunes in until i got choked by a fricking metal ball the size of a pea i got stuck up my nose once. little smaller. but no matter.
so. yeah, i'm irritated. and YES, i eat lots of mint chocolate chip ice cream cuz heeyyy heyyyy!!! i bought it one time and still have some left over. SCORE. and i'll be pissed at memories i thought long gone. crazy how that works. not sure it's healthy. anyway. (not really. attention being paid to that..) but for serious. seriously, i don't like this and seriously? it feels old. and seriously? i want jesus to step out of the grocery store and give me a hug and sticker for being such a good girl inside. as if i was.. but still. no condemnation for those who love him. ILOVEHIM!! (waving hand in the air, going "OHH oHH!!! PICK ME!" yes. your mental picture was correct) but anyway. i'm discovering how much i crave affirmation. and when i'm done and hanging for that high five that eternity's keeping for me (what a terrible idea. i want my high five NOW. assuming i'll get one. i haven't been doing anything awesome lately that makes me feel like a good person wracking up those blessings in heaven....but still. can i just have a high five?)...
i want affirmation and i'll run to the world to get it but screech and halt cuz that idea sucks and then i'll go back and sing misty edwards' "my soul longs for you and nothin else will do"...nothin and no one. so stop lookin for luvvv in all the wrong placesssss. not even the love stuff. just in general stuff. maybe i should buy a pack of stickers and start awarding people "good job!" and "you're neat!" instead of getting irritated and frustrated and kinda really mellow when i don't have a welcoming committee applauding me every time i force myself to walk away from the cupboard that holds the peanut butter that has a narrow alley yet to fill in my arteries. self. control. and this isn't about eating right, either. haaaa. it's not about anything. it's just about everything.
and by the way: parents shouldn't give their kids allowances because then when the kid's not affirmed with cash or applause or something cheery and cute, then they won't be gungho for doing what they should when they should JUST because they should.
i found this in conducting a test group of people i never met nor hired to conduct a test study on. basically, i don't know what i'm talking about... but. i think the big man, daddy-guy, God is teaching me that it's okay to do what's right and do what i'm supposed to do just because i need to. and when i pout and stomp my feet and hide in the produce section---he doesn't cave. this guy's got a spine and he's not shaken by my tantrums. "good for him," i'd say if the case in point weren't myself. but whatevs. i am the case in point. and seriously. god means business. even when all i've got to say is screw it.
screw it all.
i'll be honest the only reason i put that last part is because it ties back to my title. i really don't see how that made sense in context. i guess it could make sense. nevermind. i'm done caring about whatever it is i get worked up over when words and stuff don't fit right. i don't even care. kbye.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
is it a walk to remember if i'm sitting down?
okay, yes, never be my friend again, yes. i'm okay with that. completely understandable.
i might totally be watching 'a walk to remember' right now.
which means i intentionally TOOK TIME to look it up on the internet for a place i could watch it free. and now, after having watched 72 minutes of movie a blurb popped up saying i had to wait 30 minutes before proceeding to watch the rest of my overly, holy crap, SO overly sappy. and fast-moving, i might add. MOVIE.
first off, i saw bits and pieces of this movie when one of my older sisters was in high school and had friends over to watch it when it first came out.
let me tell you. this movie is painful. one of those where you analyze the situation playing out in the movie, then think of the most embarrassing and/or predictable line the next actor could say and then find yourself with your hand slapped up against your forehead because you can't stand the sentimentality that just happened and the predictability in which it happened. then i look over my shoulder to make sure no one knows i'm watching this movie because oh-my-wow it's so cheesy. and then i proceed to watch intently.
my thoughts thus far: of COURSE she has leukemia. as if mandy moore wasn't playing a damsel in distress already. next: i can't believe he just told her he loved her. oh my word. my hand. it's on my forehead and i LITERALLY feel embarrassed for the guy because it's so awkward! and that's after he danced with her at the fancy shmancy restaurant after she asked him...give him credit, he rejected her offer at first. but then upon being asked, "do you wanna dance?---brace yourself...this is painful..he shakes his head 'no' then she says--.... for ME?" and HE. CAAAAAVES. SICK--i can't believe she just said that. dancing? awesome. but the line? terrible. TERRIBLE. and then he strokes her hair and kisses her and like all logic tells, he says he loves her. PERSONALLY, i would prefer the guy tell me loved me before kissing me. talk about set the situation up for me to feel OBLIGATED to enhance the "moment" by telling what's-his-face that i love him, TOO--oh what a coincidence... but i'm a kill joy. but i mean, for real, what happens if she kisses him because he smells good and is nice to her and then he tells her he LOVES her and then she plays 'hard to get' but confirms that she feels the same way by kissing him back and THEN she wakes up the next day and thinks to herself: "hmm. yeah, i really don't think i like him. shoot. kissed him. liked THAT. but. um. i ain't so sure bout this boy." and then there's hard feelings and blaaaa bla blaaaaa bla blaaaaaa. realities that aren't covered in this movie..
and p.s. i saw the previews for this movie before the actual tape started rolling and...i'm really thinking these last 40 minutes are going to be just as bad as the first 72. oh. but WHY. whyyyyyyyy can't i stop watching this movie?! it's like when me and naomi would watch mary-kate and ashley and those girls fell in love EVERY SINGLE MOVIE. because their lives and relevance on the screen would be nothing without a hot boy from the beach or spain. basically meaning, the guy had to have a tan or an accent. then they were good to go for a summer courtship with the olson twins.
but. i AM going to finish this movie. and laugh about how pathetic it is with whoever will laugh with me later. all the while knowing that deep down inside i love it. because i think it's hilarious. and i just really SHAMEdly LIKE super cheesy movies sometimes.
my gag reflex and peeked interest can interact simultaneously.
my 30 minute wait time is up. SCORE.
i might totally be watching 'a walk to remember' right now.
which means i intentionally TOOK TIME to look it up on the internet for a place i could watch it free. and now, after having watched 72 minutes of movie a blurb popped up saying i had to wait 30 minutes before proceeding to watch the rest of my overly, holy crap, SO overly sappy. and fast-moving, i might add. MOVIE.
first off, i saw bits and pieces of this movie when one of my older sisters was in high school and had friends over to watch it when it first came out.
let me tell you. this movie is painful. one of those where you analyze the situation playing out in the movie, then think of the most embarrassing and/or predictable line the next actor could say and then find yourself with your hand slapped up against your forehead because you can't stand the sentimentality that just happened and the predictability in which it happened. then i look over my shoulder to make sure no one knows i'm watching this movie because oh-my-wow it's so cheesy. and then i proceed to watch intently.
my thoughts thus far: of COURSE she has leukemia. as if mandy moore wasn't playing a damsel in distress already. next: i can't believe he just told her he loved her. oh my word. my hand. it's on my forehead and i LITERALLY feel embarrassed for the guy because it's so awkward! and that's after he danced with her at the fancy shmancy restaurant after she asked him...give him credit, he rejected her offer at first. but then upon being asked, "do you wanna dance?---brace yourself...this is painful..he shakes his head 'no' then she says--.... for ME?" and HE. CAAAAAVES. SICK--i can't believe she just said that. dancing? awesome. but the line? terrible. TERRIBLE. and then he strokes her hair and kisses her and like all logic tells, he says he loves her. PERSONALLY, i would prefer the guy tell me loved me before kissing me. talk about set the situation up for me to feel OBLIGATED to enhance the "moment" by telling what's-his-face that i love him, TOO--oh what a coincidence... but i'm a kill joy. but i mean, for real, what happens if she kisses him because he smells good and is nice to her and then he tells her he LOVES her and then she plays 'hard to get' but confirms that she feels the same way by kissing him back and THEN she wakes up the next day and thinks to herself: "hmm. yeah, i really don't think i like him. shoot. kissed him. liked THAT. but. um. i ain't so sure bout this boy." and then there's hard feelings and blaaaa bla blaaaaa bla blaaaaaa. realities that aren't covered in this movie..
and p.s. i saw the previews for this movie before the actual tape started rolling and...i'm really thinking these last 40 minutes are going to be just as bad as the first 72. oh. but WHY. whyyyyyyyy can't i stop watching this movie?! it's like when me and naomi would watch mary-kate and ashley and those girls fell in love EVERY SINGLE MOVIE. because their lives and relevance on the screen would be nothing without a hot boy from the beach or spain. basically meaning, the guy had to have a tan or an accent. then they were good to go for a summer courtship with the olson twins.
but. i AM going to finish this movie. and laugh about how pathetic it is with whoever will laugh with me later. all the while knowing that deep down inside i love it. because i think it's hilarious. and i just really SHAMEdly LIKE super cheesy movies sometimes.
my gag reflex and peeked interest can interact simultaneously.
my 30 minute wait time is up. SCORE.
Monday, April 4, 2011
mary lied.
interesting train of thought. who can deny? everyone. anyone can deny it. but it's written on the sidewalks of the UNI campus which begs me to believe that people are wondering. i'm sick of questions not getting answered. i'm sick of phrases like "jesus loves you" being written underneath the colored chalk that used to draw hopscotch and four square but now is put to use for attack and question, philosophy and religion, reason and rights: why none and all should have them. chalk is the conduit for freedom on this campus and it SCREAMS, i tell you. literal volume that screeches in the ears of its opposition whose only defense is to muffle the noise with an overlap and a flower. and maybe a smiley face. depending on how bubbly they feel today. jesus loves you!
which is true. but.
the love of jesus isn't really the case in point. whether or not the virgin mary fricken whored around and got knocked up by someone other than the holy spirit IS. it's a question of whether or not people of varying genders are DOING OKAY. it's a question of whether or not the bible is true because I KNOW we all wanna know. and you can prove that the bible is consistent with itself--people do it all the time--but that's not helping necessarily the question of its divinity because THAT'S the seed that's gonna sprout a life changed. prove to me that this life is worth living and don't INSULT me with your weekly prayer meetings, time and place, smiley FACE drawn oh so fourth grade-like when i'm LOOKING for someone to take me on and take the time it'd take to get. to. know. me. and then to see that i want my questions answered. same as everyone else on this campus, city blocks wide that are all-consumed with academia and bills but are left still oozing with questions that mess up their minds like their laundry after they run out of quarters. i tried hard for that analogy.
what i'm saying is that it bothers me that we've got nothing better to say then that. then 'jesus loves me and you do, too". and cue mental picture of satan drawing a needle, shoving it in our brain and injecting novacane so that no thought comes to conclusion and no question is raised higher than the ground its written on. so, i'm sorry all y'all that have legitimate questions. hard questions that might sink a little deeper and effect you a little more than a chalky pink or blue can justify. questions that some christians have stepped over; pissed that people "can even WRITE that and where's my scrub brush and warm water, i'll have this gone in no time."
so. did mary lie? i say no. is that a good question? yes. do i have a paper trail proving i'm right? not off-hand. do i reject the idea that jesus loves gays and bi and trans? no. he totally does. do i question if the church can handle a debate in which the opposing side is INTELLIGENT?
yeah.
which is true. but.
the love of jesus isn't really the case in point. whether or not the virgin mary fricken whored around and got knocked up by someone other than the holy spirit IS. it's a question of whether or not people of varying genders are DOING OKAY. it's a question of whether or not the bible is true because I KNOW we all wanna know. and you can prove that the bible is consistent with itself--people do it all the time--but that's not helping necessarily the question of its divinity because THAT'S the seed that's gonna sprout a life changed. prove to me that this life is worth living and don't INSULT me with your weekly prayer meetings, time and place, smiley FACE drawn oh so fourth grade-like when i'm LOOKING for someone to take me on and take the time it'd take to get. to. know. me. and then to see that i want my questions answered. same as everyone else on this campus, city blocks wide that are all-consumed with academia and bills but are left still oozing with questions that mess up their minds like their laundry after they run out of quarters. i tried hard for that analogy.
what i'm saying is that it bothers me that we've got nothing better to say then that. then 'jesus loves me and you do, too". and cue mental picture of satan drawing a needle, shoving it in our brain and injecting novacane so that no thought comes to conclusion and no question is raised higher than the ground its written on. so, i'm sorry all y'all that have legitimate questions. hard questions that might sink a little deeper and effect you a little more than a chalky pink or blue can justify. questions that some christians have stepped over; pissed that people "can even WRITE that and where's my scrub brush and warm water, i'll have this gone in no time."
so. did mary lie? i say no. is that a good question? yes. do i have a paper trail proving i'm right? not off-hand. do i reject the idea that jesus loves gays and bi and trans? no. he totally does. do i question if the church can handle a debate in which the opposing side is INTELLIGENT?
yeah.
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