i just don't think i'll ever get over it.

i wonder sometimes if i'll ever love any town better than elkader, iowa. i spent the last month there over winter break. slept in front of the register with dog peanut. watched star wars and rocked out pathetically to high school musical, ALL three, ALL sing-a-long mode. ask me if i care what you think.

i went downtown to rent movies from videos plus. the movie store that used to be across from the ice cream shop on main street. the movie store that used to be run by my best adult friend, dave. he went to my church. he was the only one i'd let listen to me say my verses at awana. only him. but don't worry. it wasn't a weird 'girl-has-crush-on-too-old-guy' kinda thing. it was genuine. it was real friendship. i would beg my mom to buy an extra cup of ice cream--flavor of the day--and when she did, i'd run it across the street (that i never had to look both ways on because it's elkader) to videos plus and give dave that cup of ice cream. i'd be proud (of the ice cream i didn't buy) and dave would be smiling (because he couldn't figure out why this kid liked him). i don't know. don't ask me. i've just always liked dave. and now videos plus is closing. it's like half my life is inside that store. and it's being closed down. in march. i'm going to the sale and buying high school musical cheap. ask me if i care what you think.

dad hugged me when i left and said, "come back." and i said, "okay." and then i drove away. i still miss bob. i still miss the nut. peanut. i still miss hills and trails and cats that spread ringworm faster than you can say the 'missi-' part of mississippi. *sigh*. literal sigh. i miss my mom. and my dad. and i miss how they don't let me do things because i "JUST NEED TO RELAXXX". mom and dad are good at making me relax. not saying there's peace then because it usually pisses me off that they still tell me what to do even though i'm...psh...count 'em: 20. even though....i'm pretty sure that means i'm still wet behind the ears. so they say.

i'm in cedar falls now. and i wonder if i'm hopeless. i wonder if my homing device kicks in harder when i feel less at home here than at elkader-home. i prayed god would make me feel at home here. not home-home because my home-home is elkader. but. i mean. really. it'd be nice if i weren't drooling over the highway 20 west sign every time i drove past it. because i KNOW i could boycott all plans and daily obligations, book it to the left, blinker ON and be home in like..depends how fast i drive. but, you know? who am i talking to... this is a blog. a blog is for public self-reflection. or something. odd concept. maybe it's for people who think their journals don't quite speak loud enough. i think i'm one of those people.

i'm going to write thank you cards tonight. and as for the 'christmas greetings!' letters i never mailed: i'll write the 'thank you for the gift' part on the back of the already sealed envelope. ask me if i care what you think.