god, you pull my head into your chest. i'm panting and sweating cuz i've been wrestling with you--kicking, swinging, yelling at you...you're hot and breathing hard, too. but not as much as me. you're a better fighter than i am. you pull me into one of those hugs i loathe and love at the same time. it's like a hug from a parent who just released you from your room--a.k.a. the jail cell you stayed in while the rest of your family ate supper. your favorite meal, in fact. but you can't keep from giving into the whole 'embrace' thing. i'm still fighting only now on the foremost front in my brain. i can't stand you but i can't help but---PROFANITY--love you. during your holding me i'm resisting and angry and crying and you know it. and i'm not looking at you but i know your face is cringing too cuz you're feeling this grossness surge through your veins. too.
dialogue. simple and the sweetness isn't lost on me.
"but you know i'm good, right, micah?"
"yeah, god. i know."
he held me tight and i allowed myself a breath. turned into a deep breath that, on exhale, sounded like a good long sigh. i hugged him back.
and now for a pslam...
Psalm 121
i lift my eyes to the hills.
from where does my help come?
(rhetorical question)
my help comes from the lord,
who made heaven and earth.
he will not let your foot be moved
(good, cuz i hate people touchin my feet)
he who keeps you will not slumber.
behold, he who keeps israel
(the people who wrestle with god)
will neither slumber nor sleep.
the lord is your keeper;
the lord is your shade on your right hand.
(why does my right hand need shading? JUST my right hand?)
the sun shall not strike you by day,
nor the moon by night.
the lord will keep you from ALL evil;
he will KEEP your life. (in his pocket)
the lord will keep your going out and
your coming in from this time forth and FOREVERmore.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Saturday, January 15, 2011
for the sake of proving a point.
i don't know 'bout y'all.. but lots of times satan gets me by convincing me to do nothing that is actually good for me. for instance, today was a pissy day in many respects. i can't say i enjoyed it, honestly. so, while inside i do still feel drive to do well in college (toot my horn to keep up with the music program, practice the piana...do my homework) there's like a film or something between that raw motivation and the real world where actions come into play. i can see how easily i could be proactive in my education and i really do want to be... take for another instance, when i feel gross inside satan tells me to eat to my heart's content ALL THE FOOD THAT CONTAINS HEART ATTACKS AND DIABETES. his logic tells me that if i feel like crap inside, why not have the outside (we're talkin physical appearance, folks) look like crap to match? THEN. i know FULL WELL that the only comfort that's gonna work and the only words that'll soothe are those coming from the mouth of my sweet jesus. i GET that and i DO want that. but i'm a wuss and go along with satan's flow of motion in my life and i get on facebook instead. WONDERING if they'll be some superficial comment left somewhere on my profile that makes me feel reaffirmed in the idea that maybe there are people out there who LIKE me.
(screaming this next part) STUPID!!!!!!
you know WHY it's stupid? because satan convinces me that a pity party is better than taking simple responsibility in your life. and i LET him convince me of that SO OFTEN, i think, because his ideas are moving and flashing and distracting and DOING SOMETHING. so many times i'd SO much rather hop on the net and AT LEAST get distracted because i don't know if i can STAND to go before the throne of god and feel nothing.
that's the sucky part. sometimes i can't take the silence of god. and more often i can't take the roar that's inside my face. i can't take the distance of jesus and i CAN'T TAKE it when i can't for the LIFE of me make out what the holy spirit's telling me. and so satan says, "feel sorry for yourself. ehh. why not?"
why not? BECAUSE faith isn't bent on emotions and because, truth is, my god IS there. and because faith ISN'T for the weak. FACEBOOK is for the weak. FALSE COMFORT is for the weak who've got a.d.d. to the point where they can't WAIT the time god's deemed appropriate for them to spend in the desert. i went to this college group thing and one thing they said that i didn't think applied to me at the time (psh. two DAYS ago) was that the desert is where faith goes to die. or thrive.
and so satan's plan? to meet me in the desert--that place that's full of questions w/o answers and heartache and ROUGH STUFF--and instruct me on all the ways of KILLING myself from the in.side.out. so far, it's looked like this: get selfish. get weak. eat lots. feel insecure. think about nothing and no one but yourself and your "TERRIBLE" circumstances. get pissy and short with people cuz they "just don't understand" what you're going through. <--BULL. next, get jealous of people that are prettier and thinner and better and better and better than you in WHATEVER stinkin ways and THEN!! deem yourself a failure; useless in the kingdom of god.
i feel like swearing. using all kinds of obscenities because i CAN'T STAND the closeness of the devil. and i CAN'T STAND the doors that SWING open to him inside my guts. and i REALLY CAN'T STAND the fact that I'M NOT REPULSED AND SWINGING THE SHARPENED SWORD OF THE SPIRIT AT SATAN'S THROAT every time he makes a move toward me.
and I GET that it's not me that does the fighting. it's my god in heaven that does the fightin for me. i GET it. but there's war on my end, too, that's long been needing to be waged. CONSISTENTLY. there's a role for me to play in this besides 'VICTIM'. god IS fighting for me. but for crying out loud, i've got the fullness of Christ DWELLING inside of me. and those can be FIGHTIN words. there's power in the god that's been livin inside my heart since my momma told me 'bout jesus when i wasn't nothin but knee high to a grasshopper. and i GET that i've started speaking in a texan accent but it fits because we all know: you DON'T. MESS. WITH TEXAS. .......did that actually fit? maybe not. i'll risk looking like a fool in leaving it. but hey...texans stereotypically don't take crap from anybody. then they spit on the ground next to them and then they draw their pistols. and seeing as how i'm talking about war against the devil..... idk. whatever. proceed.
i'm not okay with getting walked on when god's got STANDING in store for me. and i'm not okay with loving up to satan in the casket he's made for me when i've got LIFE stamped across my forehead and the power of the holy spirit swarming inside of any heart that's surrendered. that's what i'm working on. i'm not at all surrendered in this jesus+me thing. i wanna take control and i wanna find the answers to my own problems. and believe it or not, siding with satan IS finding a solution to a problem. the WORST, CRAPPIEST, DUMBEST SOLUTION IN EXISTENCE...but it is something. temporary fixation on a shiny object that'll keep you entertained on a surface level as long as you can stand it which won't be very long and in the end you'll be deeper and darker and grosser then when you started. SO, uh, don't go that route. hey! choose jesus! there's light that's coming; there's light that's HERE. i'll write more about that as i get to be more familiar with it by the grace of god.
i don't know what else to write. i feel satisfied, i think. Stopping this pattern of self-destruct. i don't actually believe myself when i say that. but STILL, i'm praying on this blog NOW that god'll give me the GRACE to lay down my tactics that AREN'T working and for serious SURRENDER to him. 'him' in this paragraph pertaining to Jesus. and i pray that for all y'all reading this, too. AND for the grace to LIVE and to be armed with that armor paul (i think) talks about in ephesians (i think)...comment if that needs correcting... and then to STAND in the strength god gives and gives free-er than freely.
i'm starting to feel myself get less and less genuine and speaking more and more in "christianeze". but what i said is still true! even if it does sound preachy.
(screaming this next part) STUPID!!!!!!
you know WHY it's stupid? because satan convinces me that a pity party is better than taking simple responsibility in your life. and i LET him convince me of that SO OFTEN, i think, because his ideas are moving and flashing and distracting and DOING SOMETHING. so many times i'd SO much rather hop on the net and AT LEAST get distracted because i don't know if i can STAND to go before the throne of god and feel nothing.
that's the sucky part. sometimes i can't take the silence of god. and more often i can't take the roar that's inside my face. i can't take the distance of jesus and i CAN'T TAKE it when i can't for the LIFE of me make out what the holy spirit's telling me. and so satan says, "feel sorry for yourself. ehh. why not?"
why not? BECAUSE faith isn't bent on emotions and because, truth is, my god IS there. and because faith ISN'T for the weak. FACEBOOK is for the weak. FALSE COMFORT is for the weak who've got a.d.d. to the point where they can't WAIT the time god's deemed appropriate for them to spend in the desert. i went to this college group thing and one thing they said that i didn't think applied to me at the time (psh. two DAYS ago) was that the desert is where faith goes to die. or thrive.
and so satan's plan? to meet me in the desert--that place that's full of questions w/o answers and heartache and ROUGH STUFF--and instruct me on all the ways of KILLING myself from the in.side.out. so far, it's looked like this: get selfish. get weak. eat lots. feel insecure. think about nothing and no one but yourself and your "TERRIBLE" circumstances. get pissy and short with people cuz they "just don't understand" what you're going through. <--BULL. next, get jealous of people that are prettier and thinner and better and better and better than you in WHATEVER stinkin ways and THEN!! deem yourself a failure; useless in the kingdom of god.
i feel like swearing. using all kinds of obscenities because i CAN'T STAND the closeness of the devil. and i CAN'T STAND the doors that SWING open to him inside my guts. and i REALLY CAN'T STAND the fact that I'M NOT REPULSED AND SWINGING THE SHARPENED SWORD OF THE SPIRIT AT SATAN'S THROAT every time he makes a move toward me.
and I GET that it's not me that does the fighting. it's my god in heaven that does the fightin for me. i GET it. but there's war on my end, too, that's long been needing to be waged. CONSISTENTLY. there's a role for me to play in this besides 'VICTIM'. god IS fighting for me. but for crying out loud, i've got the fullness of Christ DWELLING inside of me. and those can be FIGHTIN words. there's power in the god that's been livin inside my heart since my momma told me 'bout jesus when i wasn't nothin but knee high to a grasshopper. and i GET that i've started speaking in a texan accent but it fits because we all know: you DON'T. MESS. WITH TEXAS. .......did that actually fit? maybe not. i'll risk looking like a fool in leaving it. but hey...texans stereotypically don't take crap from anybody. then they spit on the ground next to them and then they draw their pistols. and seeing as how i'm talking about war against the devil..... idk. whatever. proceed.
i'm not okay with getting walked on when god's got STANDING in store for me. and i'm not okay with loving up to satan in the casket he's made for me when i've got LIFE stamped across my forehead and the power of the holy spirit swarming inside of any heart that's surrendered. that's what i'm working on. i'm not at all surrendered in this jesus+me thing. i wanna take control and i wanna find the answers to my own problems. and believe it or not, siding with satan IS finding a solution to a problem. the WORST, CRAPPIEST, DUMBEST SOLUTION IN EXISTENCE...but it is something. temporary fixation on a shiny object that'll keep you entertained on a surface level as long as you can stand it which won't be very long and in the end you'll be deeper and darker and grosser then when you started. SO, uh, don't go that route. hey! choose jesus! there's light that's coming; there's light that's HERE. i'll write more about that as i get to be more familiar with it by the grace of god.
i don't know what else to write. i feel satisfied, i think. Stopping this pattern of self-destruct. i don't actually believe myself when i say that. but STILL, i'm praying on this blog NOW that god'll give me the GRACE to lay down my tactics that AREN'T working and for serious SURRENDER to him. 'him' in this paragraph pertaining to Jesus. and i pray that for all y'all reading this, too. AND for the grace to LIVE and to be armed with that armor paul (i think) talks about in ephesians (i think)...comment if that needs correcting... and then to STAND in the strength god gives and gives free-er than freely.
i'm starting to feel myself get less and less genuine and speaking more and more in "christianeze". but what i said is still true! even if it does sound preachy.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
i just don't think i'll ever get over it.
i wonder sometimes if i'll ever love any town better than elkader, iowa. i spent the last month there over winter break. slept in front of the register with dog peanut. watched star wars and rocked out pathetically to high school musical, ALL three, ALL sing-a-long mode. ask me if i care what you think.
i went downtown to rent movies from videos plus. the movie store that used to be across from the ice cream shop on main street. the movie store that used to be run by my best adult friend, dave. he went to my church. he was the only one i'd let listen to me say my verses at awana. only him. but don't worry. it wasn't a weird 'girl-has-crush-on-too-old-guy' kinda thing. it was genuine. it was real friendship. i would beg my mom to buy an extra cup of ice cream--flavor of the day--and when she did, i'd run it across the street (that i never had to look both ways on because it's elkader) to videos plus and give dave that cup of ice cream. i'd be proud (of the ice cream i didn't buy) and dave would be smiling (because he couldn't figure out why this kid liked him). i don't know. don't ask me. i've just always liked dave. and now videos plus is closing. it's like half my life is inside that store. and it's being closed down. in march. i'm going to the sale and buying high school musical cheap. ask me if i care what you think.
dad hugged me when i left and said, "come back." and i said, "okay." and then i drove away. i still miss bob. i still miss the nut. peanut. i still miss hills and trails and cats that spread ringworm faster than you can say the 'missi-' part of mississippi. *sigh*. literal sigh. i miss my mom. and my dad. and i miss how they don't let me do things because i "JUST NEED TO RELAXXX". mom and dad are good at making me relax. not saying there's peace then because it usually pisses me off that they still tell me what to do even though i'm...psh...count 'em: 20. even though....i'm pretty sure that means i'm still wet behind the ears. so they say.
i'm in cedar falls now. and i wonder if i'm hopeless. i wonder if my homing device kicks in harder when i feel less at home here than at elkader-home. i prayed god would make me feel at home here. not home-home because my home-home is elkader. but. i mean. really. it'd be nice if i weren't drooling over the highway 20 west sign every time i drove past it. because i KNOW i could boycott all plans and daily obligations, book it to the left, blinker ON and be home in like..depends how fast i drive. but, you know? who am i talking to... this is a blog. a blog is for public self-reflection. or something. odd concept. maybe it's for people who think their journals don't quite speak loud enough. i think i'm one of those people.
i'm going to write thank you cards tonight. and as for the 'christmas greetings!' letters i never mailed: i'll write the 'thank you for the gift' part on the back of the already sealed envelope. ask me if i care what you think.
i went downtown to rent movies from videos plus. the movie store that used to be across from the ice cream shop on main street. the movie store that used to be run by my best adult friend, dave. he went to my church. he was the only one i'd let listen to me say my verses at awana. only him. but don't worry. it wasn't a weird 'girl-has-crush-on-too-old-guy' kinda thing. it was genuine. it was real friendship. i would beg my mom to buy an extra cup of ice cream--flavor of the day--and when she did, i'd run it across the street (that i never had to look both ways on because it's elkader) to videos plus and give dave that cup of ice cream. i'd be proud (of the ice cream i didn't buy) and dave would be smiling (because he couldn't figure out why this kid liked him). i don't know. don't ask me. i've just always liked dave. and now videos plus is closing. it's like half my life is inside that store. and it's being closed down. in march. i'm going to the sale and buying high school musical cheap. ask me if i care what you think.
dad hugged me when i left and said, "come back." and i said, "okay." and then i drove away. i still miss bob. i still miss the nut. peanut. i still miss hills and trails and cats that spread ringworm faster than you can say the 'missi-' part of mississippi. *sigh*. literal sigh. i miss my mom. and my dad. and i miss how they don't let me do things because i "JUST NEED TO RELAXXX". mom and dad are good at making me relax. not saying there's peace then because it usually pisses me off that they still tell me what to do even though i'm...psh...count 'em: 20. even though....i'm pretty sure that means i'm still wet behind the ears. so they say.
i'm in cedar falls now. and i wonder if i'm hopeless. i wonder if my homing device kicks in harder when i feel less at home here than at elkader-home. i prayed god would make me feel at home here. not home-home because my home-home is elkader. but. i mean. really. it'd be nice if i weren't drooling over the highway 20 west sign every time i drove past it. because i KNOW i could boycott all plans and daily obligations, book it to the left, blinker ON and be home in like..depends how fast i drive. but, you know? who am i talking to... this is a blog. a blog is for public self-reflection. or something. odd concept. maybe it's for people who think their journals don't quite speak loud enough. i think i'm one of those people.
i'm going to write thank you cards tonight. and as for the 'christmas greetings!' letters i never mailed: i'll write the 'thank you for the gift' part on the back of the already sealed envelope. ask me if i care what you think.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
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