just go fishing.

this is where people start running. and i'm pretty sure this is where alcohol would come in handy. and let me be honest, i've had vivid dreams of smoking the best flavored cigarettes in the world. the feeling they give my unconscious makes me crave the nicotine of sleep, apparently. whatever that means.

the reason why i wanted to run was because nothing in my current state gave me any reason to stay.  came to grips with having been depressed for four years (and STILL in that state) and it got me piss-raving MAD at the lord for how drab his plan was for my life.

all i've got are fleeting emotions that lead me everywhere but to contentment and i've got a lot of questions filed under the tab 'jesus doesn't care otherwise he would've answered a long time ago'. i've got bitterness harbored against the creator of the universe. that should go well....

my mom and i had a conversation about whether or not i should go on meds to get my fried circuits firing again. after all, a person can only take so much before they're just not capable of getting up anymore. i wanted more than medication, though, i wanted answers! i wanted to know where i messed up! i wanted to know when consequences were going to stop knocking at my door. and i wanted to know if he really is who he said he is.

and he said, "i named it 'faith' for a reason." almost like i'm not capable or not SUPPOSED to know everything there is to know about everything. fuck that. i wasn't okay with 'faith'.. i wasn't okay with god saying, "trust me." ISN'T THAT WHAT CHILD MOLESTERS SAY????

letting the lord have it is kind of a slowing feeling. like when you try to run in a dream and your legs for some reason are more comparable to cooked noodles and you can't MOVE. except, instead of running, i'm swinging. fists. (not swings in the park. no frolicking is happening...) i keep throwing a fit and making allll of the points that all the skeptics in the world have ever made. but something about his eyes gave me the feeling that he understood. something about him NOT reprimanding me deflated me.  something about him saying, "i know. i hate it, too," brought tears to my eyes.

and just because most things about this world suck doesn't mean that my god (the one i've freaking devoted my life to how many times and how many years ago) sucks. GOD is the one who had a perfect plan. PEOPLE are the ones who ruined it.  the shit i pull combined with everyone else's is the reason why this world is shitty. every stunt we pull starts a chain reaction and more often than not, the consequences of our actions don't stop after one person cries.

so, yes. go get depressed, if you want. i did and would totally understand if you did the same. but here's one thing: i'm responsible for the answers i can't have because my sin made a separation between me and god--the only guy who i believe has all the answers. YES, i'm a believer and that means i believe i'm going to heaven when i die because i chose JESUS on this earth... but that doesn't mean my actions don't have consequences. and it doesn't mean my life's not gonna suck when i get caught in the chain reaction of OTHER people's missed steps.  but GOD DIDN'T DO THIS. and he's sparing us left and right from the crap we don't even know COULD'VE taken us out. but he's also a just father who lets his kids bare some consequences. NOT because he's MEAN. but because WE started it. and it's our fault. and he's there, WILLING and WANTING, to make beauty from ashes every time we burn this place down.

after jesus was like, "love you, i get it, we're cool," he was like, "take a breather!..just go fishing."

so, i did. and i started to heal...and i started to love and even LIKE god again. plus, i caught a turtle and i love turtles and i showed it to my mom.

k. anyway. that is all.

hello from clinton! and this is the first new blog in like a year. whatever.

HI! this is where i tell you how great it is being married in a new town with a new name and a new life.

if you know anything about me, you'll sense the sarcasm.

NOT LYING, i love being married and i love that the husband is obligated to be my constant best friend for the rest of my life. WOOT.

we both like most of the same things so hanging out isn't too difficult. i'd say we're pretty easy-going people and i very much like having him around.

so, now we're moved to a new city..Clinton... and... i've seen better. BUT REALLY, it's been a mother of a transition. my body decided to come down with every string of sickness it could possibly think of and since a month before we got married until now, i have been on antibiotics non-stop. aka, i have been "woe is me" on the living room couch for basically our entire marriage. ROMANTIC.

and, being a slight workaholic, the fact that i'm unemployed has ALSO been playing into the "woe is me." praise the lord JOE has a job otherwise we'd be sunk.

working/applying myself at SOMETHING to get a paycheck makes me feel worthwhile. having a social group that i can interact with makes me feel worth. having a healthy stance in life where i can worry about the not healthy people makes me feel worth. and, might i add, having some sort of outlet that would allow my husband or EYE to feel somewhat like ourselves...would make me feel worth.

we/i ain't got NONE of that going on so... we're left stoking hope.  we're hoping the lord will bring us all these things we feel we're lacking...because i'm high maintenance because i live in america and want more than just my basic needs taken care of...... spare the lecture. i know.  but still, it's the world i grew up in and if we're not fulfilled in all aspects of our being we're not going to be satisfied.

so. that is all. that is the honest report from clinton. i am happily married and unsatisfied with life. i'm also slightly excited because seeing as how i'm lacking lots, i'm wide open for options. options that could bring a little spice to life in a way that i haven't experienced yet. WOOT for new friends and new funs things to do!  this is going to be a fun ride.