Is there some quick fix to this that I’m not seeing? Usually my problems don’t last this long. My fuse is long and once it’s lit, I’m normally reasonable about throwing a bucket of water on it. Normally, I have a few conversations with some good people and I’m good again. Usually, my problems are normal things that I go through like a repeat offender. Dealing with these issues is a one day thing and after that I’m on my way to a better tomorrow.
The world sucks and everybody knows it. Everybody’s felt it in a dad or mom gone south or a non existent bank account or presence of bad or lack of good relationships. Whatever it is, we all deal with it and we get by. We hang on hope, play some Mumford and eat a Scratch cupcake. And I’m here to vouch that cupcakes and music as coping mechanisms are not superficial. Jesus is involved in the hope, in the Mumford, and most definitely in the cupcake. Those things are heavenly.
But what happens when hope is out of stock, Mumford’s new album never comes out, and Scratch is always out of your favorite flavor? What happens when you feel royally screwed without any confidence that things are going to get better. Or easier. What then? Do we ever talk about sessions with shrinks that don’t make you feel better? Or Bible verses that don’t speak to the hurt in your life? Or journal entries, once a coping mechanism, that don’t speak to what you’re really feeling? Trying to put into words what you’re feeling makes you feel dumb because half the time you can’t define what you’re feeling in the first place. And in the second place, you feel like this horse is dead and gone, and even though it ain’t gettin any deader you can’t keep from kicking it within an inch of its non-existent life. Again.
The thing about sin is that is disrupts the proper order of functioning in this world. Sin leaves people helpless without hope or solutions to anything. And not that I’m some cop, self-employed, trying to keep bad things from ever happening again. I mean, not that that’d be unwelcomed if it were possible. But come on, what am I supposed to do. There are people in my life with problems bigger and stretching further than all the mountain ranges in this world combined. Damage has been done long before I met them. Damage is being done to them and I watch it happening and I have no control over the situation. “I’m sorry that happened to you. That person was wrong to do that,” and an arm around their young shoulder. They walk away from me saying, “It ain’t your fault.”
I’m helpless. Don’t for a second think I haven’t considered praying for them. Don’t think I haven’t given light to the belief that our prayers rend the heavens, that they move the heart of God. I’m sure they do. Really. But looking at the heart that’s so hurt standing in front of you and saying to them, “I’ll be praying for you,” waving goodbye to them as they get shipped off to the next less than ideal, non-permanent home------doing that takes everything in me that once made sense and shreds it. It takes everything in me that once could cope and makes me the weakest, most incapable, hot MESS I’ve seen.
I’ve never been here before and I’m finding my tried and true techniques for dealing aren’t working. And I’m willing to try new things. I’m okay with being honest and crying in front of people I barely know. I don’t even care. Ask me if I care. And I can’t even ask “How long, God?!” because I know it’s just going to get worse. Honestly, it is. So, what do I do, how do I cope, how do I help, how do I have joy in the midst of this, how do I trust that my God is GOOD?
Short answer: I don’t know yet. Until then, it’s okay to feel whatever you feel. Just keep showing up, whatever that looks like in life. Just keep showing up. Even if you’re not sure if what you’re doing looks like faithfulness to God, keep being honest. Keep being open to change and be intentional about getting up, doing what you’re supposed to do, staying healthy and active.
I guess the rest will just fall into place.
